I need help urgently

[mgatsby]

I've had social anxiety for the last 3/4 years I've never been able to receive or complete any treatment for it and its destroying my life. I have been to my GP and spoke to him about it and he referred me to a mental health clinic. I received some information about it in the mail and I was turned off the idea of having to speak about my issues in front of support group.

Its very strange how this all happened to me, during high school I was pretty popular and especially with girls I was overall a very liked person. I'm not trying to sound pretentious either, but now I'm a shadow of my former self. I cant even imagine how I could do what I did then now for instance approaching a girl, which was nothing to me however now it would be a monumental task. I have cut ties with a lot of people and stopped talking and interacting with my friends (no longer). I only have two friends that's all, which I don't mind I like having a close circle because I feel like I'm constantly being scrutinised which isn't entirely irrational I have been told by my two friends they get asked by my former friends about me and why I act weird and how I make people uncomfortable due to acting awkward when they try making conversation with me.

I've reached such a low point in my life things haven't changed whatsoever for me, it affects my life so badly I cant stand to bear the feeling of getting crippled with anxiety any longer, I hate having insomnia I want to fall asleep every night I'm tired but due to thoughts in my head I cant.

I need help and advice badly or else ill be in this situation forever, I call my GP book appointments and arrive at the surgery only to walk back home after seeing how busy it is I then don't attend, this summarises my whole life whenever I see too many people even FAMILY I just walk the other way. If anyone could give me advice id appreciate and sorry if what I wrote is all over the place and fragmented I haven't slept in over a day and a half.

Thanks,

Mgatsby

[Clementine]

Firstly hi, and welcome.
I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this. You say you've only felt this way for the last 3/4 years, did something happen that triggered this anxiety?

[LittleSloth]

Hey... I am so sorry you feel this bad right now. I know where are coming from and know it is a painful and lonely place.

You say your GP has referred you to a mental health clinic, how is that progressing?

You sound at a really low eb right now... I hope you're okay. I'm going to a first appointment on Tuesday with the mental health team in my area (not the first in my life, but first in many years). I'm very nervous, but I'm forcing myself to go, because I NEED things to change.
Take care

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

[flumpsy]

Welcome to the forum

A lot of what you say rings true with my situation, you are not alone in the way it hasnt always been with you.

I was fairly popular at school, I was the person the group rang to find out what was happening that night. It wasnt something I enjoyed but I handled it just fine. I wasnt confident but I just got on with it. I was popular but shy. I have always been massively shy around females though, they are scary things. After school I started shying away from stuff and struggled with the idea of college, uni, job interviews. I coped with some stuff and failed at some stuff, I got by though, made my own path.

Anyway, I am 43 now and about 10 years ago I just hit a massive decline. To the point of leaving work (a company I started) because I couldnt deal with the employees any longer. Cant go out for meals with family, hate any sort of gatherings.

I dont really have any particularly good advice but in terms of social anxiety things have improved for me. I have never made it to a doctor about it, thats a huge cause of anxiety for me so I avoid it. I have started identifying the individual issues that I have and started working on the bits that I can actually manage.

I doubt my situation relates but there is hope, my anxiety is far better than it was just a year ago.

You are in the right place to get help and advice.

[mgatsby]

Well I I've always had anxiety I guess it was no big deal but last 3-4 years it's been awful especially in social situations. I think it developed due to suppressing my feelings throughout high school, around the age of 12 my mum told me that my "dad" wasn't actually my biological father and that I was from a different father. She explained to me that she was in a violent marriage that only lasted 6 months and that she tried working things out with him and by the time I was born he accused my mother of adultery and said I wasn't his. It was during this time when she told me that he was also trying to make contact with me. I never wanted anything to do with him.

My relationship with my mum has always been volatile, she's always took out her anger at me, she's always blamed me for the pain he suffered and the hardship she faced as a single parent. She's said some horrendous things to me which no child should be told. I'd like to make clear that I didn't have a traumatic childhood growing up I was brought up in a loving environment. My grandmother essentially raised me as my mum would work full time. I also have close relationship with my aunts and uncles. It's just my mother who treated me like this. I also can't stand her husband even when I was under the impression that he was my real dad I never had a close relationship with him, he was never violent towards me or anything but once I knew he wasn't my dad whenever he tried getting involved with any of my problems I'd shoot him down. So he'd keep his distance from me but now for the last few years since I don't get a long with my mother he's thriving and he'll speak about me behind my back and try cause problems without talking to me directly like a spineless coward. I could have done something to him a while ago since I'm physically much stronger and taller than him but I'm not going to. I hope I don't sound like a weirdo it's just that I get reminded of things that was done which I don't want to get into right now.

I know this may sound cruel but I despise my mother, I've never been able to talk to her about anything without feeling fear
even after she told me about my real father she never sat down with me and spoke about how that made me feel, I understand the hardships she faced throughout her life but to constantly take it out on me and say abusive things didn't really help.


Im sorry that I've gone off topic about what you've asked me but I felt much better getting that off my chest, but long story short I think my mum has played a huge part in all of this it doesn't help constantly being told your worthless and that you won't amount to anything. That's all I ever heard from her throughout high school. She'd do it in front of my siblings ( don't know that I'm their half brother). When I asked her would she ever tell them about me being their half brother she would at no as they would look at me differently.

[beck]

Hi Mgatsby

I'm not going to start off by saying I understand how you feel because only you can make sense of what you're feeling, although I will say this.
I've pushed people away, and can hardly recognized the person I am today. The old me would have read this and said possibly grow up and stop living life to a pause, but now I get that it isn't easy and the fact you were brave enough to reach out on here shows that, you're still you inside.

I get it's scary and you may feel that your life is slowly crashing down on you, but you still have a chance, you're still here. You're great, what other people say are there own reflection on themselves they simply misunderstand you. So my advice to you if I haven't bored you with this long speech yet XD Give yourself more credit, because anything is possible, as long as you allow it. Just breath, and smile.

Hope all the best
Beck x

[umm]

It does sound like the way your mother was (and your adoptiv father too) had an effect. They do, particularly to young children for whom the parents are the prime source of esteem. Cut that off or disrupt it and it is bound to have an impact. So don't feel bad. And try not to stress about what your friends (both former and present) think. You have this to deal with now as your main priority, and they will either come back or you will acquire new ones.

I have never used any mental health services so I can't say how good they are. I just had to kind of work things out for myself, but whatever works best for you is what you need. Good luck

[Coffee]

Try to take the next step and get in to see the GP, it's the walking away that keeps the anxiety controlling you.

[mgatsby]

Hi quick update I went GP today I went for acne breakout, my skin isn't that bad I don't have many pimples but it doesn't help with all my issues, just before I hit 20 I get it sucks. I then spoke about my anxiety they've booked in a new appointment for me so they could speak with me in depth about the issue. I wasn't seen by a doctor, only a nurse was available which I didn't really mind because I feel comfortable speaking to her.

[Clementine]

That sounds encouraging Best of luck with it.