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  #1  
Old 6th September 2017, 12:44
hollowone hollowone is offline
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Default A friend who's company I don't enjoy

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted here. I don't know whether this thread is more appropriate in the relationships forum.

Basically, there's this guy I met in a meet for people with aspergers who I've been meeting up with for walks and cycle ride, and even a trip to the New Forest. Now, the thing is he basically doesn't have any friends, I can see why. The truth is, he isn't that pleasant as company, here's why;
  • Stern and grumpy; acts pissed-off whenever you try to engage in conversation
  • Unresponsive; for example, replies with attempts to start conversations with 'umm' and 'so' in a rather negative rude manner
  • Negative; for example, when w've gone on walks or bike rides and shown him new places, he' been very negative for e.g. 'is this it?/is that all?''
  • Rude; for example, on the trip to the new forest, asked me in a stern manner not to sit next to him, to go to the seat in front
  • Displaying openly homophobic attitudes; the way he referred to another guy from the same meet who's gay who we were planning to invite along to the New Forest. He (the topic of this thread) text me saying 'I don't want x (the gay guy) to come because he's gay'. That's not what you go round saying to friends and people in your social circle

The truth is most people would not want to hang out with someone like that. The thing is, I want to give him the above feedback and tell him honestly that the above are the reasons why he's got no friends. I don't know how I will go about doing that. I believe I can help. I know a significant amount of the above behaviors are due to his condition and to poor social skills. On the plus side he's quite proactive at organizing get togethers, so that's a social strength.

I want to meet up with him and give him honest feedback, but I don't want to be too harsh and critical. If you go through life treating people like that, people won't want to hang out with you, and you might end up very lonely and socially-isolated. I think the best I can do here is help.
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  #2  
Old 9th September 2017, 08:29
Nervous Wreck Nervous Wreck is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

Its admirable of you to want to try but I'm not sure how receptive he will be. You could try a very gentle approach, perhaps pointing out that something you put up with, like the things you mentioned above, can come across as extremely rude to others but be prepared to be met with hostility. I don't think you can meet up and then bombard him with a list of behaviours that others find difficult, I think you probably need to take time and address the issues as and when they come up with you. It sounds as if he has a good friend in you, and I hope that he will be able to see that.
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  #3  
Old 9th September 2017, 09:10
newbs16 newbs16 is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

Maybe when you meet him and he does the things you have mentioned above you could comment how rude he is. If he is horrible towards the gay person you could say I'm going to still invite him, being gay doesn't make him a bad person, I enjoy his company.
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  #4  
Old 28th September 2017, 15:05
Laracroft1 Laracroft1 is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

Has he actually complained about not having friends or is he ok with it? If he has a bit of a moan about being lonely, I think it will be a good opener for you to say something about his off-putting behaviour. Good Luck
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  #5  
Old 1st October 2017, 19:56
SHYGIRLAJB SHYGIRLAJB is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

Quote:
Originally Posted by hollowone
Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted here. I don't know whether this thread is more appropriate in the relationships forum.

Basically, there's this guy I met in a meet for people with aspergers who I've been meeting up with for walks and cycle ride, and even a trip to the New Forest. Now, the thing is he basically doesn't have any friends, I can see why. The truth is, he isn't that pleasant as company, here's why;
  • Stern and grumpy; acts pissed-off whenever you try to engage in conversation
  • Unresponsive; for example, replies with attempts to start conversations with 'umm' and 'so' in a rather negative rude manner
  • Negative; for example, when w've gone on walks or bike rides and shown him new places, he' been very negative for e.g. 'is this it?/is that all?''
  • Rude; for example, on the trip to the new forest, asked me in a stern manner not to sit next to him, to go to the seat in front
  • Displaying openly homophobic attitudes; the way he referred to another guy from the same meet who's gay who we were planning to invite along to the New Forest. He (the topic of this thread) text me saying 'I don't want x (the gay guy) to come because he's gay'. That's not what you go round saying to friends and people in your social circle

The truth is most people would not want to hang out with someone like that. The thing is, I want to give him the above feedback and tell him honestly that the above are the reasons why he's got no friends. I don't know how I will go about doing that. I believe I can help. I know a significant amount of the above behaviors are due to his condition and to poor social skills. On the plus side he's quite proactive at organizing get togethers, so that's a social strength.

I want to meet up with him and give him honest feedback, but I don't want to be too harsh and critical. If you go through life treating people like that, people won't want to hang out with you, and you might end up very lonely and socially-isolated. I think the best I can do here is help.
Is it a member from this forum ??? Maybe they have already seen this post already ...
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  #6  
Old 3rd October 2017, 09:18
KookyBlue KookyBlue is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

If that were me,I think I would rather have the feedback,maybe he doesn't realise that he's acting that way and it might help him see what he's doing wrong. However,I think you might have the repercussions that some people just can't be helped because they're not ready to be helped and would see it as just criticism.
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  #7  
Old 3rd October 2017, 13:45
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

I agree with KookyBlue, it can only help to give feedback as everything you describe (apart from the apparent homophobia, which may be the result of a lack of understand) seems to be pretty typical of Asperger's and the sort of thing I was doing unwittingly before my ex-fiancée helped me with those issues.

However, as KookyBlue says, it is possible that he may not be open to feedback (internally, he won't be aware - as I wasn't - that there is any issue) so if you can approach the subject sensitively, in a way which helps him to see the advantages of making small changes, that would help; it's also worth remembering that if he isn't receptive and starts to become defensive, it would be better to drop the subject before his reaction becomes excessive.
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  #8  
Old 6th October 2017, 19:50
hollowone hollowone is offline
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Default Re: A friend who's company I don't enjoy

Nervous wreck and newbs that's probably the best approach. I will give the feedback as and when any of those things come up.

Quote:
Is it a member from this forum ??? Maybe they have already seen this post already ...
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No he isn't nothing to worry about there.

gregarious introvert, that too sounds like a great way to approach it. Help him to see the advantages of behaving differently.

The whole issue is not something that I should just confront him about, just mention each individual behaviour as and when it comes up. What I don't want to do is damage his confidence.
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