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  #1  
Old 17th September 2017, 17:39
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Question SA and perceived (im)maturity

Do you find people look down on you and consider you immature because you have SA?
I know people quite close to me who refer to me - either directly or I've overheard it - as "boy", "lad" or "kid".
This is apparently as a direct result of me being socially awkward.
I'm in my 40s.

Do any of you experience anything similar? Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 19th September 2017, 15:41
Vienna Vienna is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

I do feel that as im quite low confident my dad does kind of treat me like im 10 years old. Or like he doesn't trust me to do things cos i'll mess it up ( and i have messed things up before) I dunno , things like doing my car insurance or stuff to do with my bank ...
Im 40

But by letting him 'do things for me' it just reinstates my low confidence, he doesn't realise this and i know i need to put my foot down .

People calling you lad or kid are just terms of endearment aren't they? Or they can be? Maybe they don't mean it literally? Or maybe even ,take it as a compliment in that you look younger than you are =)
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  #3  
Old 19th September 2017, 15:45
Miggs The Terrible Miggs The Terrible is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

I do often feel like people don't quite see me as all grown up. Tbf I'm probably not. So...

Who wants to go to the sweet shop with me!
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  #4  
Old 19th September 2017, 15:49
KookyBlue KookyBlue is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

They look down on me anyway,i'm relatively short

I think people sometimes say boy or lad as a term of endearment and not about a persons maturity. Do you feel you've done anything to come across as being immature? if not maybe they didn't mean it in a negative way.
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  #5  
Old 19th September 2017, 16:55
Hayman Hayman is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

I know people look down on me and speak 'down' to me also. At the age of 32, I'm very much treated like a child simply because of the distinct lack of lifetime progressions. Some presume I don't want them. Others think I haven't worked at all towards them – presuming effort always equals reward (it doesn't).

Yet, people genuinely wonder why I lack confidence and self-esteem... Simply treating me with mutual respect and understanding would help me.

It seems the more lifetime progressions you're allowed to have, the higher up that 'social pedestal' you sit… I don't honestly think those who have achieved some goals in their lives really know what they're saying back to those 'left behind' at times.
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  #6  
Old 20th September 2017, 09:54
Toxic Toxic is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Theres no way I'm 31

I don't look 31, I don't act 31..if people I'm with don't need to know my age I just roll with it and carry on acting like 4

If it involves filling in a form or something with my date of birth on I get incredibly worried about it as half the time I'm dealing with people who are bloody younger than me who have their shit together, even more so if I'm somewhere with my dad..I somehow act even younger when I've got a parent with me and I don't know why
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  #7  
Old 21st September 2017, 11:34
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Thanks guys for your responses. It seems I am not alone. And yeah, I'm sure the terms used about me are meant critically...
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  #8  
Old 21st September 2017, 14:28
Carbon(cycle)Fodder Carbon(cycle)Fodder is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

There's a few positives from apparent immaturity,
Maturity can be rather tiresome and terribly stuffy,
We all need a bit of light relief, provided by, yes, you guessed it, the immature person.
It's not as if you're evil or breaking the law or anything,
Sometimes I wonder if people weighed down by their numerous responsibilities and duties are actually more against the fact that you may not have had to endure all that, like they're almost jealous in some way?
Otherwise,... what's the harm, what's the big deal?
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  #9  
Old 23rd September 2017, 02:29
Danica Danica is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxic
If it involves filling in a form or something with my date of birth on I get incredibly worried about it as half the time I'm dealing with people who are bloody younger than me who have their shit together, even more so if I'm somewhere with my dad..I somehow act even younger when I've got a parent with me and I don't know why
I do that too I let my mum do all the talking and just stand there like an idiot hoping that nobody talks to me or asks me a question.

If I am ever around other women, they tend to treat me as though I'm very young, even if we are a similar age. They generally don't know about my SA or Aspergers but I think they can sense that there's something "wrong" with me and take on a maternal role. It can sometimes come across as patronising - my last therapist would often infantilise me - but sometimes I just think that they want to take me under their wing. Women are usually socially competent and possess high emotional intelligence, which makes others respond favourably to them. I don't know how to put people at ease or take the initiative socially and that puts me at a disadvantage.

I'd never describe myself as immature, but I can be a bit childlike at times, though I do hide that side of me when out in public for obvious reasons! There's also an innocence about me that I quite like because that is a rare quality in someone my age.
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  #10  
Old 24th September 2017, 00:43
Kipper Kipper is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

I'm sixty years of age and have experienced s.a. since my late teens. I too am occasionally called 'lad' and I put it down to the signs and signals I give off . A colleague at work who is actually a few years younger than me and whom I am often anxious around, called me by the term ' good lad' for doing something for them at work a few months ago. This colleague is of the opposite sex and I value her very highly.I have to say I felt absolutely mortified at the time( the comment was made to me in an email).I have come to terms with it now but it took a long time. It seemed she was saying I was immature and boy, did it hurt! So yes, I understand how you feel.
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  #11  
Old 24th September 2017, 16:26
michelle06 michelle06 is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

^ My dad went through a phase of calling people 'son'. It had nothing to do with how he perceived the people he was talking to; it was just easier when he couldn't remember their names

I wouldn't mind people referring to me as a girl, but those days are long gone!
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  #12  
Old 24th September 2017, 18:11
Ajax Amsterdam Ajax Amsterdam is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

^
Yes, I think context is crucial on things like this. So many people up here in Liverpool call each other 'Lad' all the time regardless of age. It's nothing to do with one person's perception of the other. I've heard 'son' and 'kidda' lots as well and it's not meant in any derogatory way. Even female pensioners get called 'girl' or 'queen' up here.

I get the thread, though. Through most of my life I'd say I was viewed as immature. I have no issues with that, though, because I did act immature. I never took responsibility for my life and my progress in it. I'd avoid everything. It's difficult to be perceived as a responsible adult when you act that way.

It's quite telling that now, in later life, since I've taken personal responsibility for my life and how it goes, people seem to view me much more as a responsible adult.

SA, as we all know, can paralyse personal development and growth. I often used to feel like a child in the body of a man. I've heard lots of other SA people say similar too. I can see why I may have been perceived as immature for my age. Simply because I was actually immature for my age. My SA and the resultant avoidance left me stagnant and lacking in any meaningful life experience and the personal development and growth that goes along with it.

I don't think we mature simply through living longer. I think we do so through experience and lessons learned through that experience. SA and the avoidance that goes along with it can seriously hamper our development and, consequently, how we see ourselves and how others see us too.
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  #13  
Old 24th September 2017, 19:19
Toxic Toxic is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by Danica
I do that too I let my mum do all the talking and just stand there like an idiot hoping that nobody talks to me or asks me a question.

If I am ever around other women, they tend to treat me as though I'm very young, even if we are a similar age. They generally don't know about my SA or Aspergers but I think they can sense that there's something "wrong" with me and take on a maternal role. It can sometimes come across as patronising - my last therapist would often infantilise me - but sometimes I just think that they want to take me under their wing. Women are usually socially competent and possess high emotional intelligence, which makes others respond favourably to them. I don't know how to put people at ease or take the initiative socially and that puts me at a disadvantage.

I'd never describe myself as immature, but I can be a bit childlike at times, though I do hide that side of me when out in public for obvious reasons! There's also an innocence about me that I quite like because that is a rare quality in someone my age.
Snap! Exactly what I do, stand like a lemon and let him do all the talking, christ I went to pick up a car this week, he did most of the talking AND drove the bloody thing home for me I frankly don't even know why I bothered going..but I'm seemingly incapable of doing certain big boy tasks...

When I was on the train the other day I was listening to these 2 women chatting (not exactly out of choice - the entire coach could hear them) and they were talking about holidays, mortgages, cars, the children they had, basically everything you'd associate with an adult. It went on to birthdays and parties and things, it turns out they were only students 23/24.. Freaks me out, I don't know whats worse, the fact I'm a million years away from being that grown up..or the fact I have zero interest in being that grown up!
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  #14  
Old 26th September 2017, 11:57
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Thanks everyone for your continuing thoughts - keep 'em coming!

@Ajax - brilliant post, I think you've hit several nails on the head there
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  #15  
Old 30th September 2017, 10:23
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kipper
I'm sixty years of age and have experienced s.a. since my late teens. I too am occasionally called 'lad' and I put it down to the signs and signals I give off . A colleague at work who is actually a few years younger than me and whom I am often anxious around, called me by the term ' good lad' for doing something for them at work a few months ago. This colleague is of the opposite sex and I value her very highly.I have to say I felt absolutely mortified at the time( the comment was made to me in an email).I have come to terms with it now but it took a long time. It seemed she was saying I was immature and boy, did it hurt! So yes, I understand how you feel.
Appreciate what you're saying, do you not feel it might have been a throwaway, ill thought out remark she might have made to anyone though and/or not meant exactly as it was taken? I only ask as I have also spent hours in my head down the years ruminating over comments, and it is only into my forties that I've allowed myself to stop doing that, or fought against ruminating, especially when I see other work colleagues who get some very personal comments directed towards them and they just let it wash over them, or at least they seem to.
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  #16  
Old 30th September 2017, 16:26
neilm neilm is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by limey123
Do you find people look down on you and consider you immature because you have SA?
I know people quite close to me who refer to me - either directly or I've overheard it - as "boy", "lad" or "kid".
This is apparently as a direct result of me being socially awkward.
I'm in my 40s.

Do any of you experience anything similar? Thanks.
In Scotland (and parts of England ) "Good Lad" is more or less interchangeable with "Good Man" and is generally not meant to infer any signs of immaturity or anything like that.

"Kid" or "Our Kid" is again used in a similar manner in parts of N England, and "Boyo" is sometimes used in a comparable way in Wales.

Its all down to the context really.....
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  #17  
Old 30th September 2017, 16:39
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by neilm
In Scotland (and parts of England ) "Good Lad" is more or less interchangeable with "Good Man" and is generally not meant to infer any signs of immaturity or anything like that.

"Kid" or "Our Kid" is again used in a similar manner in parts of N England, and "Boyo" is sometimes used in a comparable way in Wales.

Its all down to the context really.....
Agree, and I think with a negative SA filter it could be taken as a sleight, while non-SAers might not take it like that.
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  #18  
Old 30th September 2017, 22:00
sensitivesoul sensitivesoul is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

I'm in my 40's too and whilst I think people do look down on me over maturity levels, I think a lot of it has to do with "life stages", rather than how we are as people.

I'm not married so people might look down on me due to that but who cares? I don't really see anything THAT special about being saddled up from an early age with one relationship for the rest of a person's life, when you consider many people are not happy or get a divorce anyhow.

I don't have any kids but again, don't feel it should matter. I probably didn't have as many life experiences in some ways but I don't think HAVING kids makes someone any more mature, it's just a different life path to mine.

The list goes on really over things people might like to feel more "mature" or superior over when they run down others but they actually are not.
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Old 4th October 2017, 09:29
Hayman Hayman is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by sensitivesoul
I think a lot of it has to do with "life stages", rather than how we are as people.
Exactly.

I'm glad you can see that also – as that’s how I've seen it pretty much since the turn of my 20's. It wasn't so prevalent in my late teens as whilst there was clearly a 'gap' forming in lifetime progressions being materialised between myself and the rest, it wasn't an enormous, continually growing chasm as it become by my mid 20's.

I've been told several times in the past that people don't care about what you haven't managed to achieve…which I struggle to believe given the questioning, jokes (at my expense) and stigmatisms I've faced from others throughout my adult lifetime. If they didn't care, they wouldn't ask and I'd be treated in the same manner as others – and that is far, FAR from the truth as things stand.

I'm also told to 'not care' what others think, but this isn't as easy as it sounds and especially when you know you've always had to swim 'against the tide' as such. You can put in the same effort as others make, but because others still see you differently, you aren't given the same basic respect or opportunities that those 'ahead' of you will be acknowledged as to have made effort if they find themselves temporarily 'fallen off the horse'. Until we see a societal change which actually sees those left behind treated more fairly and being seen as unlucky rather than 'different in a bad way, therefore we must keep them at arm’s length from progressions', then I simply don't see how we can improve to the point we're expected to do all alone.

Another way of putting it is that I feel it’s time things like marriage, relationships and children should be considered 'optional extras' in life… More importantly, options that not everyone has and therefore those who don’t have those options shouldn't lose 'brownie points' for not taking the same options that others have had given to them that you've found yourself having to sit out. There shouldn't be a real, positive emphasis on lifetime progressions of this nature. For instance, forget about everything I've said about knowing I'll be a lifelong single man and just imagine for a second I would be lucky enough to have a partner at some point… I wouldn't even bother discussing it because firstly, I know the pain that those left behind have to deal with on a daily basis. Secondly, because of the current social mindset of 'more progressions equals more rights to talk about your life experiences', I wouldn't be respected any more at this stage of my life for gaining a progression as they'd laugh at me for being 'late'. I think that would just frustrate me even more. It's not worth the hassle. I'd want to improve myself, rather than facing the same old problems that has seen me suffer with both Social Anxiety and large bouts of depression. I wouldn't acknowledge any unlikely congratulations simply because they haven't respected or acknowledged the hardship I've endured (or indeed anyone in this position - not just me) for many years on the run up.

I know some would see all of that as being nothing but envious of others and yes, I fully understand why some would see it that way. However, my point is that why are those people like ourselves, who are always left behind, made to feel like bad people for not having the same opportunities…? An assumption that they also haven't worked just as hard or put in effort…? There's no consideration that "Oh… Maybe we haven't helped by now shutting them out of chances because of the stigmas we hold against them for not getting anywhere at the 'right' age". That's what a good chunk of the problem is. Not just our mental state...which can only be exaggerated by these very problems we face.
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  #20  
Old 4th October 2017, 10:20
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seagull
I have also spent hours in my head down the years ruminating over comments, and it is only into my forties that I've allowed myself to stop doing that, or fought against ruminating, especially when I see other work colleagues who get some very personal comments directed towards them and they just let it wash over them, or at least they seem to.
I think that we have, as you mentioned in your response to neilm's post, Seagull, a negative filter when it comes to comments made about us, especially in the workplace; we tend not to notice that similar comments are directed at others because they have less effect - in short, we find it difficult to differentiate between "insult" and "banter". I am aware that in the past, I have been on the end of some nasty insults in the workplace, but I chose to pretend that it was banter and react accordingly, with the result that it didn't continue (possibly because the perpetrators didn't like me responding in kind). Factories and building sites tend to be among the most merciless places for heavy banter, so I suppose I have developed quite a thick skin over the years.

Also, touching on what Ajax (and others) said earlier, context is crucial: I have a habit of referring to people as "young man" or "young lady" regardless of age - this started when I was much younger than I am now and those I was addressing were almost always older than myself, however now they really are relatively young. In the same vein, I impart "wisdom" (ie. nonsense) by prefacing a sentence with "when you get to my age..." None of these things are intended to infer immaturity in any way. If I believed what I was called applied to me, living around these parts, I'd be a waterfowl!

Again, it's been touched on earlier in this thread, but it seems to me that our perceived maturity is related to the amount of responsibility we accept for our own lives; even though marriage and children, among other things, evaded me, I did look after myself from the age of 18 (and when I was 24, my parents moved over 250 miles away so weren't around to help with anything) and I haven't been aware of people perceiving me as immature - or is it down to our interpretation: that we perceive ourselves as immature and therefore filter the comments of others in such as way as to reinforce that?

Having parents, or other family, around who are prepared to help beyond adulthood must be a great thing (I have always envied those who had that), but is there a line when that help becomes too much and prevents the learning process (as Ajax said so succinctly, "we [mature] through experience and lessons learned through that experience") which increases our maturity. I know that there have been times in my life when I have wanted to hide behind others, but having nobody to hide behind has made it impossible to be avoidant in some situations.
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  #21  
Old 5th October 2017, 09:59
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

I don't think maturity has anything to do with life experience (or lack thereof)

maturity is learning about things, learning about yourself, being self aware, making more considered adult choices. Choosing how you react/respond to things.

My parents are in their 70s and have had children/own property/worked etc etc.
They have an unbelievably dysfunctional relationship with each other, all their children & extended family, unacknowledged mental health issues & other social issues and still talk to each other like spoilt, tantrummy children & have ongoing financial issues because they hide things from each other & are irresponsible with money, neither of them has grown up or learned anything from life.

As a teenager/young woman I was impulsive, a bit histrionic, wild, emotional, angry, hurt, and treated some lovely people quite badly because I was so damaged & didn't understand that yet. I could have carried on behaving like a **** all my life, but I figured stuff out, learned from better people, did my best to be a better person. tried to make better choices.

That's all maturity is in my book.
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  #22  
Old 7th October 2017, 02:40
Ajax Amsterdam Ajax Amsterdam is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

Quote:
Originally Posted by jinny
I don't think maturity has anything to do with life experience (or lack thereof)

maturity is learning about things, learning about yourself, being self aware, making more considered adult choices. Choosing how you react/respond to things.

My parents are in their 70s and have had children/own property/worked etc etc.
They have an unbelievably dysfunctional relationship with each other, all their children & extended family, unacknowledged mental health issues & other social issues and still talk to each other like spoilt, tantrummy children & have ongoing financial issues because they hide things from each other & are irresponsible with money, neither of them has grown up or learned anything from life.

As a teenager/young woman I was impulsive, a bit histrionic, wild, emotional, angry, hurt, and treated some lovely people quite badly because I was so damaged & didn't understand that yet. I could have carried on behaving like a **** all my life, but I figured stuff out, learned from better people, did my best to be a better person. tried to make better choices.

That's all maturity is in my book.
I definitely agree with your post, but not the first line.

None of us are born mature. Maturity is clearly something we develop over time, and it comes through our experiences and how we process them and react to them. Of course, there is much more to it than simply having experiences. As you suggest, there are many people out there who have had plenty of life experiences but have not really learned much from them, thus making them aged but still rather immature. Whilst plenty of people half their age may well have had fewer life experiences but learned far more from them, thus making them more emotionally mature for their age.

Your younger self quite mirrors my younger self too. But I think we've both learned quite a lot from that, processed it well, learned lessons and went on to make choices that have stood us in good stead later on in our lives.

I certainly agree that a wealth of life experiencing does not necessarily equate to maturity, but I don't think we can develop maturity without having life experience. To pinch another quote; it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it that matters.
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  #23  
Old 7th October 2017, 12:53
sensitivesoul sensitivesoul is offline
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Default Re: SA and perceived (im)maturity

@hayman

I agree with your thoughts here. And yes, many people just don't get the same opportunities to choose certain things for their life, even when they want to. Or have tried and can't get anywhere. Some people make relationships seem as easy as ordering a pizza. I don't think I really envy people for some of their life choices but I do envy their ability to have their lives more respected than mine and the gained confidence that often does come with fitting in better with society's measure of "success" and ticking certain boxes.
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