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Two years in my flat.

Posted 5th December 2011 at 23:15 by Matt_1983

I give the string a tug and the blinds close tight, shutting out the world, enclosing me in my solitary womb where tv is watched and food eaten and too few voices heard. The carpets starting to wear down in the spots my feet know well, sofa to kitchen to toilet to bed. Two years I've been here, living alone, trapped in my routine of sleep and eat and work and home. The neighbours don't know my name, seldom friends come to visit. This is my little world, a place in which my busy mind shouts its anxious thoughts, where my tired spirit aches and slumps, sofa to bed.

Its a lovely flat, all thick cream carpets and high windows. The buildings Grade 2 listed with great character. Across the road sit grand 3 storey houses. I often stand at my windows and peer out and watch as people pass, towards town or the train station. I've come to recognise faces; the couple in their sainsburys uniform munching on some crisps, the quirky bicycle riding student dressed like an old english toff. I see groups of friends and couples and families, sometimes with dads no older than me. The pretty girl at number 40 reminds me of what I'm missing, her boyfriend living the life I wish was mine.

My time in this flat has been often miserable and desperate, following as it has the break up of the best relationship of my life. Sarah was my only ever girlfriend, yet I doubt any other will top her. She was beautiful and clever and funny and cute, a diamond in my life. The 4 years we spent together were incredible, like a magical happy dream that seemed to last forever. To think back now I can't help but smile and cry, how lucky I was, yet too soon it was lost. How can love like that ever lose its spark, ever fade to black. One day she let me go, never to look at me again. I've craved and desperately desired closure for 2 years, a need to know her thoughts. I'm not sure ill ever get my wish, this angst will carry on. Deep down I think I know. She out grew me, my anxiety held me down whilst she soared. I'm sure she wished I'd grown with her, become the man she needed to love. But Mr Anxiety has his orders, too happy I'd become, love like that shall not be mine.
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  1. Old Comment
    You've got a lot of talent for writing.

    Every single one of us is a story. And stories can still be good even if bad things happen in those stories.

    Yes, you do need closure with the whole Sarah thing. Not from her. She can't give you that. I've looked for that kind of thing from women before. I was once dumped on New Year's day. Great start to the year that was. She did it by voicemail too. All I wanted to do was see her again and when I got back to university I literally ran across town in order to find her.

    I can still remember seeing her sat on the steps outside the university building. Before, it had all been about making out for hours and hours. Now it was "hi".

    I tried to be okay with it. But I wasn't okay with it. I was very far from okay with it. I tried to find out what I had "done wrong". But she could not tell me. Because I hadn't done anything wrong. Indeed, she used to tell other guys she liked that she wasn't sure she was over me or not and I used to sit there mentally shouting: "nobody is asking you to get over me! Least of all me".

    No, the closure has to come from you.

    You're carrying Sarah around with you. And, in doing so, making all sorts of negative assumptions about yourself and why the relationship didn't work out the way you want it to. Or maybe how it worked out will end up being a good thing? Who knows? The story of your life is not over yet, after all.

    Nobody else can get close to you if you're carrying Sarah around inside your head and your heart. All relationships have their time. You can keep all the good times, all those experiences, those memories of being with Sarah. Nobody can touch those. They belong to you.

    And you're a decent, good person who deserves happiness in life. And other people deserve to have the chance to get to know you.

    Heal yourself and heal your heart.
    Posted 6th December 2011 at 01:23 by joinmartin joinmartin is offline
  2. Old Comment
    am1000's Avatar
    I can identify with a lot of what you're saying here. I don't have any answers, but your not alone in how you feel.
    Your writing is great, something to be proud of.
    Posted 9th December 2011 at 22:52 by am1000 am1000 is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Matt_1983's Avatar
    Originally Posted by am1000 View Comment
    I can identify with a lot of what you're saying here. I don't have any answers, but your not alone in how you feel.
    Your writing is great, something to be proud of.
    Thanks a lot
    Posted 12th December 2011 at 19:45 by Matt_1983 Matt_1983 is offline

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