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*Deep Breath* Here it goes... :/

Posted 12th November 2015 at 18:26 by Twisterella87

So, after some time of not posting on SAUK, I have found that now, when I would like to use the forum, I am feeling really awkward about it. Am I alone in feeling this way? I guess being a social anxiety site, other members would be uncomfortable in the same situation. It's perhaps a bit of an irrational fear of mine - I worry too much about what people may think of me or how they would react towards me after being quiet for some time. Even more so, if they happen to have met me once or twice at meets. This makes me feel less anonymous and therefore paranoid in talking about my personal thoughts and feelings on here. Besides the few meets I have attended, I was never a regular poster on here so why do I make such an issue out of it?

Although I have not posted in a while, I have continued to visit the site. My depression and anxiety, which usually bounces between moderate to severe, has always been a constant in my life. I was on citalopram for a long time but came off it earlier this year. When taking it, I felt it kept my moods relatively stable. It was not a cure for my troubles though. Since coming off medication, I have been up and down in terms of feelings of hopelessness etc. Recently, it has hit me particularly hard. Having been virtually housebound for months, I have had plenty of time to get bored and negatively obsess over my circumstances. Even when I have been brave enough to leave my comfort zone and push for progress, it has been futile. I have no real hope of moving out of my family home soon, finding employment or gaining a single friend. Yesterday, it felt like such a long and boring day. I even sat in my room just staring in to space for almost an hour.

I cannot help but compare myself to the successful lives of those of a similar age and younger. It pains me to think that I have achieved so little in my 28 years. I am struggling to see my purpose of being and remain hopeful that one day a miracle will occur: I will achieve the things that many others take for granted.

To sum up my current emotional state, I am feeling more lonely, inadequate and trapped than I have in a while. I sincerely hope things improve soon.
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  1. Old Comment
    Libbyjay's Avatar
    I know how you feel about posting on the site after not posting for a while. I used to post a bit but now when I look, I don't recognise the names so that makes me feel like now I'm a stranger here.
    Posted 13th November 2015 at 18:41 by Libbyjay Libbyjay is offline

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