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Mum on assisted leave, moving out is for the best

Posted 21st July 2016 at 10:34 by Alone.

Yesterday my mum came home for a few hours. I had to meet her at the Hospital. It was unexpected as she called me to collect her. Anyway yesterday was an amplification of what I have been feeling, I need to move out in for my wellbeing.

I feel I have a lot of issues with my mum. The main issue I have is that she tries to look and appear super normal even when her illness is obvious. It's frustrating because it affects me and my sister. My mum should be on ESA because of her illness, she doesn't want to go on it though. Long story short, if she accepted ESA for the time being, rather than pretend to be normal go on JSA and end up going on sanctions due to not following the rules and being too ashamed to tell advisors of the help she may need or that she is in hospital the money issues in the household would be a bit less.

Other stuff she said yesterday, and I understand lots of parents are similar, but I can't see myself ever growing in self esteem if I continue to live with her. "Look at this house, it's a mess, I thought you can hold the house." "You are very selfish," because I left some food in a pot she wanted to use, "Hold yourself like a man," as I was anxious in the hospital. The house was the same before she left accept I have cleaned a few places, not everywhere though. Out of our conversation, I just notice not one positive thing was said, of cause I know she is mentally ill, but it has always been this way. The most positive stuff she says to me is neutral stuff like "I will see you later", "I have brought some drink for you", she hardly says anything to show appreciation for my actions.

Idk, I feel once my mum comes out I may be expected to be responsible for her and feel it's best to say no to that. I don't mind helping my mum but don't want to live with her. Look at me, I'm anxious, socially awkward as a result and suspect I have aspergers. I am in my 20's and want to live life, so yeah ****ing hell I bloody care about my wellbeing and improving my life. I feel I would probably be judged understandably if I acted on what I want and be given the same old advice I have gotten throughout my life, such as "others have it worse", "You don't have any problems", "Everyone has a challenge in life, this is yours." While the advice is partly true, it's usually from people not close enough to me to know me, so I'm not relying on their advice.

This week feels all over the place for me. Since my mum has been in hospital, life has felt messier to be honest as I have had to cook more and do more housework. I'm learning to cook more meals as I cook more, that's why it feels messy. And to top it off my sisters social worker told her that she is gonna check if there is enough food in the house. My job searching has gone downhill as it is hard to try and keep on top of everything, spending hours cooking or cleaning sometimes. However I do have an apprenticeship and job offer where an interview feels promising.

Idrk if I still want to do an apprenticeship, I know I don't want to be one of those people that hates their job and doesn't put in their full effort on the job, I see this a lot, I'm probably just perfectionistic though. But when I look at what I care about, I care about music production and learning it, seem to have learnt some stuff recently. I care about being happy, having support, being able to relax and chill out. I do love the feeling of when I do something I feel good at as well. Although I would love an apprenticeship that offers progression to a good career if I am completely honest with myself I want money to move out be able to discover who I am and live life on my own terms and jobs pay more than apprenticeships. Music production is one of the most interesting hobbies to me at the moment, so it probably comes above my need for an apprenticeship, especially if I would sacrifice the hobby for the apprenticeship. I have dreamt about having the ideal life with enough money and a decent house in the suburbs, but I feel I can do without is it really all it seems cracked up to be? I am both yin and yang when it comes to what I want career and lifestyle wise but then I can't say I have the most career experience so it is something that I will probably learn off experience.
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