I need help!!!
Posted 24th July 2016 at 18:25 by Amara 94
At the time of writing this I feel a bit better than before but I know that the feeling is going to come back soon, it always does.
I constantly feel like no one likes me, everyone misunderstands me and angry about it. I feel like I am going crazy. At worse I have briefly thought about attacking people with a weapon, I wouldn't though as I am too conscious. I even think of throwing something in my bedroom, punching the wall but don't as I would regret it I feel. I think if you are seen as awkward with a low social status, people think lowly and little of you. That's why after a mass shooting, the shooter is usually labelled as awkward or something along those lines. Idk, but I hardly hear the opposite when someone is described as weird. I hardly hear other labelling a successful and healthy person as awkward.
What makes me feel this way?
I feel the environment and situation that I'm in makes me feel this way. The truth be told I grew up on an estate. I have lived on the estate since I was 4 years old but haven't spoken to or mixed with anyone. I didn't play outside growing up. Now at the age of 22 years old, it's scary to talk or open up to anyone on the estate as I feel they would have lots of questions on why I don't speak to anyone and would probably have negative opinions of me. The kids and peers that live on the same section as me anyways seem to act like there is something wrong with me.
"There is something wrong with me," that's the story of my life.
What got me into an angry mood today was that my sister was speaking with my mum's ex-friend, we just call her auntie, and when auntie asked me where I was my sister responded "Idk, he just got out of the shower or is in the shower." Seriously, even to me that seems like a pathetic thing to get angry over. I felt my sister was secretly angry at me for being weird, anxious and not social. My sister and I communicate in a passive aggressive manner I believe. I think if we communicated more directly we wouldn't say nice things about each other every time, we would probably argue more and say some negative things about each other time to time. But at the end of the day that's normal, isn't it?
It's weird that I feel defensive over feeling my sister doesn't like me or sees me as a loser as I am 22 with zero social life, zero friends and no job. Looking from the outside I have nothing. But then , I have met other teens and adults that I seem unable to connect with.
I say I need help as I feel misunderstood. I am anxious and in a negative mood a lot of the time and it isn't healthy and doesn't seem normal. I would love to not be limited by anxiety but don't know how to help myself and don't think I can help myself alone. I know negative judgement is an expected part of life for most people, especially ones with mental problems. But each time I get a weird look from someone or feel judged negatively for being anxious it's like my emotions take over and I am trapped in the cycle of anxiety. People telling me to calm down as they don't understand anxiety, me feeling helpless and guilty for not being able to calm down and then closing up.
Anyways although I guess judgements are an inevitable part of life, they do hurt especially when negative ones feel continuously expressed. If they didn't hurt we probably wouldn't have as many social issues in society. I think whilst I need to learn to deal with negative judgements I need a real life support group, therapist, friends that can relate to the problems of feeling judged etc. to help me get out of the hellhole of anxiety. I can't see myself getting better feeling like I have zero support.
I constantly feel like no one likes me, everyone misunderstands me and angry about it. I feel like I am going crazy. At worse I have briefly thought about attacking people with a weapon, I wouldn't though as I am too conscious. I even think of throwing something in my bedroom, punching the wall but don't as I would regret it I feel. I think if you are seen as awkward with a low social status, people think lowly and little of you. That's why after a mass shooting, the shooter is usually labelled as awkward or something along those lines. Idk, but I hardly hear the opposite when someone is described as weird. I hardly hear other labelling a successful and healthy person as awkward.
What makes me feel this way?
I feel the environment and situation that I'm in makes me feel this way. The truth be told I grew up on an estate. I have lived on the estate since I was 4 years old but haven't spoken to or mixed with anyone. I didn't play outside growing up. Now at the age of 22 years old, it's scary to talk or open up to anyone on the estate as I feel they would have lots of questions on why I don't speak to anyone and would probably have negative opinions of me. The kids and peers that live on the same section as me anyways seem to act like there is something wrong with me.
"There is something wrong with me," that's the story of my life.
What got me into an angry mood today was that my sister was speaking with my mum's ex-friend, we just call her auntie, and when auntie asked me where I was my sister responded "Idk, he just got out of the shower or is in the shower." Seriously, even to me that seems like a pathetic thing to get angry over. I felt my sister was secretly angry at me for being weird, anxious and not social. My sister and I communicate in a passive aggressive manner I believe. I think if we communicated more directly we wouldn't say nice things about each other every time, we would probably argue more and say some negative things about each other time to time. But at the end of the day that's normal, isn't it?
It's weird that I feel defensive over feeling my sister doesn't like me or sees me as a loser as I am 22 with zero social life, zero friends and no job. Looking from the outside I have nothing. But then , I have met other teens and adults that I seem unable to connect with.
I say I need help as I feel misunderstood. I am anxious and in a negative mood a lot of the time and it isn't healthy and doesn't seem normal. I would love to not be limited by anxiety but don't know how to help myself and don't think I can help myself alone. I know negative judgement is an expected part of life for most people, especially ones with mental problems. But each time I get a weird look from someone or feel judged negatively for being anxious it's like my emotions take over and I am trapped in the cycle of anxiety. People telling me to calm down as they don't understand anxiety, me feeling helpless and guilty for not being able to calm down and then closing up.
Anyways although I guess judgements are an inevitable part of life, they do hurt especially when negative ones feel continuously expressed. If they didn't hurt we probably wouldn't have as many social issues in society. I think whilst I need to learn to deal with negative judgements I need a real life support group, therapist, friends that can relate to the problems of feeling judged etc. to help me get out of the hellhole of anxiety. I can't see myself getting better feeling like I have zero support.
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