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Anxiety: Discrimination and Stigma

Posted 23rd April 2018 at 19:10 by Amara 94

Today, for a few hours, I felt angry with how people have reacted to and misunderstood my anxiety. Also how limiting the effects of anxiety are.

One memory that came to my mind was the barbershop incident. Where I had been down for a few days after finishing a work skills program where I felt misunderstood. I decided to walk to the barbers. And the barber I had told me aggressively to sit up straight, said some Jamaican slang to which his peers laughed. And didn't cut my hair properly. Btw this barbers offered good haircuts. Ever since then, about a year and a half ago, I haven't been to barbers and have been cutting my own hair.

Am I really an evil person for just being anxious and feeling bad about being misunderstood? I feel this thought in my head brings up a bit of a sense of entitlement to fair treatment and does make me feel a bit like a victim. It makes me angry.

Another incident I trailed a martial arts class and on the second session the coach laughs at me and then confronts how it's my fault that I am bullied because of my body language. Maybe he is true, but it isn't my f-ing fault that I am so anxious, so why act like it is. See what I mean about anxiety being heavily misunderstood.

Then with my current job I would say I get on with a few people, about 2 to 3 people, however some colleagues seem a bit distant and other colleagues seem to be like people that are nice to my face but chat behind my back. I suspect this by how they act and there body language. One guy can't even say Hello to me, even after a weeks holiday. Is being f-ing anxious really that bad? Two other guys I have noticed seem to have become more distant since the the family photo sharing incident where I didn't have any photos due to my mum burning the photos. I notice most colleagues don't listen to me, my boss sometimes pretends to listen to me but doesn't. I find her a bit assumptive and nice but distant to me, it's like she isn't genuine to me.

Then this Sunday, I went out to buy a few stuff. Jogged in the morning. I want to be positive but it is hard to be positive. I pass this neighbour who use to speak to me when I was younger, as in greet me, however now he pretends that he doesn't see me. The same thing happened with another neighbour but this is more understandable as his older brother doesn't seem to like me so I felt questionable on whether or not to say Hello to me. Anyways, earlier that Sunday when I woke up I was thinking of negative things and felt a sensation running from my chest to belly which I felt was a sign that the negative thinking wasn't healthy. Although I thought of getting back into running, focusing more on my wellbeing it pushed me to go out running.

I then wondered why I always feel negative, people say I need to chill, why I find it really hard to express myself. I was certainly more chilled as a child so assumed my environment definitely contributes to me feeling so tense and anxious. If I had some support I wouldn't feel this way. I also feel being ignored as if I have done something really, effing bad is not fair or right. I know my neighbours may not know about social anxiety but that is what I have, and I don't always know how to respond to small talk, so I feel the treatment is really unfair and unsupportive. Presently I don't feel like saying sorry for my behavior to the grown up neighbour, because if he is offended by my behavior it is based on his utter ignorance of it.

I feel there is so much ignorance around social anxiety and I am tired of it.
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