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This week at work

Posted 27th April 2018 at 17:55 by Alone.

Well this week at work has been stressful. In fact at the moment I feel so drained that I couldn't enjoy the music I usually enjoy. I don't just feel drained from hard work though, it seems mostly mental.

This week at work I had to work with a brand new colleague and train him despite only doing this job for about 3 weeks and getting used to the timetable. I suspect that this guy is on the autism spectrum. He expects a perfect schedule, tasks to be done a certain way. For once, I wasn't the guy being told to calm down by the manager. And the receptionists also commented on his facial expressions.

I would admit I didn't fully commit to trying my best to get on with him. I feel that he reminded me of parts of myself that I feel ashamed of. Even though I might be called autistic, by others behind my back, I feel I wouldn't like to be called autistic because of what I imagine people associate it with. I also don't want to feel like I am biologically limited when it comes to empathy, love etc. It might sound ridiculous but this is how I feel.

This workplace seems socially oriented and I have felt that I needed to become more social while working here. The social people are mostly rewarded. I have started to feel ashamed of being autistic, socially awkward (I suspect I have aspergers, but haven't been diagnosed for it). Also seeing some people who are able to get on with everyone and feeling that I am not listened to made me feel aspergers or even deep introversion, despite having its strengths, was kind of a hindrance because it makes it hard to communicate with others. I see the technicians in the uni dorm working alone and feel , despite having technical skill I wouldn't like that job cause they don't interact with people. And me being seen as socially awkward I really don't want to be seen as just good with tools, hard working, though I am probably seen that way, I want more to me, it feels soulless. Any machine can be good at tasks, I want to be able to communicate. Idk, it's as if social skills has started to feel like the most valuable skill to me.

Anyways, the guy felt how casual I seemed to take the work was ridiculous. I was also still learning my schedule and things were all over the place since the main guy who does the work and showed me how to do it went on holiday 2 weeks ago and I was alone. He reported it to the manager I think. And today I noticed how instead of listening to me, he went to the manager. A week ago there was another temp who left on the second day to not come back. I'm unlikable. I noticed that this colleague was eating lunch with the vocally expressive woman, I spoken about before. He is usually more distant towards me, despite working with me.

I wish I could feel as secure as that woman seems through the vibe she gives out. She is also secure as she was able to just speak to the guy. Nothing wrong with the guy, but I started to act like the people I look down on abit because I was uncomfortable with myself being socially awkward and could see some of me in the guy. **** me, why do I have to mess things up through my insecurities. This is definitely a sign that I need to work on self acceptance. I need to accept myself that I don't need to put out a front to people, I think that is the problem. I can't just be relaxed with people, it's even impossible to imagine me just being fine with everyone. I feel my judgmental side is due to not fully accepting myself.

Also relating to the blog I wrote on how I am learning about myself through colleagues. I notice the supervisor is able to talk to colleagues but it seems that they don't share the closest bond. For example, she doesn't eat at the same table as colleagues anytime I have seen her. I feel she is a bit like me. Despite being old, she probably has shame as she seems to look down, not in a purposeful way on others. She also hides her emotions.

I say that I am unlikable, however on Thursday I had a more confident mood, felt less anxiety it seemed easier to communicate with colleagues. I still had some anxiety though. One instance was that I was phoning the boss to look for her in the main entrance, I was just standing calling her, something I don't usually do. The vocally expressive woman then a came and I was a bit anxious, I think cause she may ask what I was doing, then she pointed it out, not in a bad way. However since then I have felt like I want her to actually listen to me, instead of just greet me. It is sometimes like she sees me as a socially awkward boy, but doesn't think that I can think for myself. Idk, but that thought just feels so limiting like no deeper connection can happen.

That Thursday lunch also, I ate with the new colleague. He was watching a TV program and sharing his reactions. I started to go into editing a photo I took as I was thinking of how he reminded me of the awkward parts of myself. This reminded me of a receptionist who seems cold towards me. Her boyfriend, it seems as we don't talk, is the guy who never greets me at work. I never wanna appear like that but I did.

I guess it is definitely time for self acceptance. But how do I accept that I am never going to be what is seen as socially cool, I am most likely not a natural public speaker who is able to influence people. I can't accept the fact that I am unlikable, I want to be likable, someone people are able to trust and listen to. Idk, but this feeling is so strong in my mind that I even feel that I don't care for technical skills, even though they are important. I just don't want to be seen like a machine without feelings.

Maybe I still think technical skills are good, and they are definitely useful but I suppose now my mind is telling me to focus more on self and well-being. I don't want to be more skilled, well I do, I want to be happier and find life better and more satisfying. Feel like everything is going to be okay.

I wonder if writing something on how I learned from colleagues would be a good present if I was leaving my job.
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