I have not been out as much in recent times which is a pity. I feel very jumpy and on edge again which does not help. Even yesterday someone appeared to shout something at me while in a group of others and although they may have only been asking the time I pretended not to hear as they were on the other side of the canal and I had headphones on so kept walking. There are kids hanging around in gangs everywhere as it’s the start of the summer holidays which makes it worse. The one refuge over recent...

I'm very concerned about coming across as too miserable and sad. I feel sad and hopeless on most days. I feel an emptiness and a longing and a fear of my worst dreams all coming true. If you have become accustomed to unhappiness and melancholy for so long then how do you change this, does it become part of who you are?

F**k demanding 3 positives for the day. I am content if I just dont feel like killing myself for a change.

The obsession with meets on SAUK fascinates...

Yikes the mists are clearing. I had swung into a deep depression, almost a crisis, and a subtle one, didnt notice its creeping onset, then, suddenly consumed! In the midst of the black smog.

Wow. Yet alongside that, some deeper yearning seeking to express. More healthsome, wholesome. The tendancy towards life. Expansion, openness, connection. By life, not necessarily society, but the essence of life itself, the living breathing intelligence of the natural world.

Somehow...

Met with a potentially new therapist yesterday. I've been in and out of talking therapy for over a decade, sometimes I'd keep the same therapist for a year, two years, its generally massively helpful and I feel I do best with an open person centred approach. This time, a GP referal, they offered me CBT, a few measly sessions, I wasnt over keen but hey-ho one is grateful and accepts what is.

In the treatment room, I had a panic attack that lasted 30 out of the 45 minutes we had together....

Sun rythms, summer solstice. This part of the world attracts a gazillion visitors at this time; pagans, druids and fae types as well as party types who just want to get mashed up .

I attempted a Buddhist friends vigil-gathering in his field, we could see that the area was a scene with all night drumming and dancing and chanting and who knows what. The local sheep had all been shepherded into a single field, for their safety I guess and they were not happy. The sheep bleating...