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My Sweet Lord

Posted 26th July 2014 at 23:37 by indigo777

So I stayed with a friend for a few days. It felt strange going to pubs and cafes and shopping with another person.(although I never go to pubs on my own either of course!) My confidence was better, I did not feel so much paranoia like people were looking at me, i did not talk to myself like a mad person. Good God! This is what it must be like to be normal, although I keep getting told there is no such thing as normal. (yeah right!) Most people have been doing things like this their whole lives but much more often, no wonder they have so much more confidence
and no paranoia.

Of course on coming home on thursday and back in the usual routine and the same boring afternoon walks I feel much worse again and have already started talking to myself. After a few weeks of this and my sanity will be back in the gutter(probably). Most things didn't work as they assume doing stuff creates confidence when it has often shattered mine. Thats because people(yes those normal ones again)take the piss out of weirdos or strange behavior. I keep picturing myself as a limping wildebeest on the plains of Africa as the lions move in for the kill.Evolution, survival of the fittest, selfish genes, Richard Dawkins,etc. Humans dont get eaten by lions in England much these days even in Leicester Perhaps they get made homeless, never have a relationship or pass on their genes and still die younger than the normal people.Perhaps the end result is thus the same anyway, - removal of faulty genes from the gene pool.Perhaps none of it even matters. Its often hard to tell anymore.
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  1. Old Comment
    Silver's Avatar
    I talk to myself when im on my own too have done for years i find it comforting when im alone. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe you could set yourself a goal to try and go to a walking group once a month or something
    Posted 27th July 2014 at 09:08 by Silver Silver is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thanks, I have scoured all the meetup groups but little seems of much use in the local area. I also dont trust myself with other people. Living in a perpetual state of overwhelming sadness does not give me the confidence to make engaging conversation with strangers even if I had no SA and any subjects to talk about apart from TV. Being painfully SA is hard to deal with among total strangers, being painfully SA and depressed,enraged much more so.
    Posted 27th July 2014 at 19:24 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline

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