More love, more space, less mind.

Lost - by David Wagoner •1976

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.

The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.

No two trees are the...

I am not sure I like being near people regardless of my SA. In a crowd I am always looking for an escape route, a way out or some peace and quiet on my own where I feel comfortable. Exposure therapy only seems to work if I am not anxious thus defying the whole point. If I could force myself to smile, make eye contact and talk fluently in social situations I would not have SA in the first place. In reality I often come across as Mr Beans more socially inept brother which other people often dont hide...

I have this inner tyrant, a bossy headmistress. She likes to proclaim 'stuff and nonsense' when I attempt to act from my true nature: shy, sensitive, reflective. She would have me polish my shoes, straighten my tie and 'get out there' and do more. Get on with it gal!

At times that strict voice can be very subtle, or show up as an attitude of comparing and measuring myself and my 'achievements' Finding that I fall short of the required standard. She would award a grade C- 'could do...

Sunday I could barely move all day. All the excitement, overstimulation and emotional drama of the week, well it corpsed me and I surrendered. There's a difference between deciding to take a rest day as prevention/maintenance and having a day of enforced shut-down that I don't have control over.

Thankfully I didnt mentally resist, in the past, such episodes trigger mind-fear and alarm, what if I'm broken and can't recover my energy? What did I (or anyone else) do wrong to cause this...

I dont know how or why but life these days, well... I would prefer to be gently paddling down that merry stream, carefree and languid in dappled sunlight, dangling one hand in the calm, cool waters.

In reality, I am clutching at the mane of a wild stallion who is tearing through the forest, I am bouncing around on its back, barely seated, holding on for dear life etc

Ultra busy with an unstoppable chain of events, people and places, too much of everything. Maybe its...