Confused with how I want to live my life (Part 3)
Posted 4th January 2017 at 16:03 by Amara 94
After The Tech City programme I hit my lowest point. Idk if it is bad enough to be called depression but I remember breaking my pens just to express my anger. I am way too cautious and poor to break anything that feels valuable. The upcoming Saturday I couldn't get out of bed and just felt really negative. I needed to talk to The Samaritans to discuss how I felt. If I think about it I have felt the same this Christmas minus the anger. But then I guess one benefit of The Tech City Star programme was that I got to travel through Central London. And long story short I got interested in taking a few photos whilst travelling to and from Tech City. So during this dark week I had a trip became just popping outside to take photos. I wanted to see Primrose Hill so went. I like the area with it's huge houses. It was a taste of what could be, except I couldn't picture myself owning such a big house for some reason I felt I wasn't confident enough to. This brief interest also made me accept myself a bit more, as in maybe it isn't bad that I'm sensitive, have high attention to detail, maybe I am meant to be that way.
The shame of not being successful with Tech City and quitting an apprenticeship after a month though fekt toxic. I didn't want anyone to know. So the occasional day trips were far outside my area, even the library I went to was not my local one due to fear of being seen and judged for not working. I quickly was able to get a temporary job at another warehouse with photobox, I guess this was because it was nearing Christmas. However I quit this job after a week and don't feel shameful for that, I think it's about time I made less bad job moves. This warehouse was far less strenuous than the one near to Heathrow. But then we had to act like we had stuff to do despite having zero training. That plus 6am starts and people who didn't care of their jobs. It was like the previous warehouse job albeit more busier and less extreme I decided not to put up with it and after it seemed like a colleague was laughing at me with other colleagues I decided to leave early that Friday and didn't return. The fact the recruitment agency has still emailed me just shows the drony, careless work culture.
A week after randomly leaving that warehouse job I found the recruitment agency I am working for now. So far I have done Kitchen porter work which I found intensive and worked till my latest hours 5pm - 2am shifts. I probably wouldn't do these again unless I really had too. Funnily enough, although hard, the job didn't leave me feeling too shitty. I guess I was way too busy to feel much. I also felt with my hand wrinkled from 9 hours, no breaks, of washing pots and pans that if I could do this I can do many jobs. After I went to do a cleaning job with this temp agency that I am doing now. It isn't hard but I haven't been shown much on how to do anything, my boss just tells me what to do. I feel the fact that I haven't had to deal with as much social politics compared to other jobs made this job nice despite not making many friends/acquaintances. I feel I have had so many bad social experiences that I have the mentality of "why bother to try and make friends" it's not like it would end well. Again the cleaning I do is for an office, because of this I had 2 weeks Christmas break as office workers had holiday as well, unlike the typical retail worker working on Boxing Day and New Years. It isn't exactly like Unilever, it's much more formal. However the office job feels like Unilever in the sense that the office workers aren't necessarily the hardest workers, perhaps they are well educated, however they have some freedom, can get away with less hours than their poorer counterparts.
Towards christmas I did 10-5 weekday shifts, then a tiring week of 6-5 shifts on the week leading to my christmas break. Now I have came back from christmas break the cleaning agency has found a daytime permanent worker and I work 6am-10am with another temp. It's weird finishing at 10am as everyone else is just going to work and although I done 4 hours of work it feels like I haven't done much. I also because there are three people doing the job, I use to be the only one on my shifts, the job is starting to feel like I am just doing it to kill time for the paycheck. Don't get me wrong it isn't the worst job that I have done but I feel I can get something better.
Because of how I spent my christmas, I feel that some of what I have done in 2016, for example the Tech City Star programme and applying to lots of apprenticeships, aren't my true desires. It feels like it would feel and look good to be doing a challenging apprenticeship or job where I grow and learn a lot. But then how much energy would I be able to channel towards my real interests. Will I be learning what I want to learn or just learn stuff that please others? I feel that lots of what most people seem to do in society is to please others. I have been called unambitious by a peer who was an immigrant in one of my jobs, been around adults who constantly focus on what job I'm doing when they meet me. But in all honesty are attractive office jobs, that one can boast online about, really dreams or golden handcuff where one is respected but feels somewhat trapped. I'm sure some people like their office jobs, I know I would like certain office jobs. The office floor I help clean seems to be for an important company and although I am certain some people enjoy the job, I don't think I can imagine working there and feeling happy. I would probably be able to put up with the job environment well though.
I feel I have began taking music production more seriously recently and, contrary to what people think, to really know what I am doing I actually have to study/learn how each effect such as compression, synthesis, phasing etc. works. Idk, I'm confused, but if I became an expert or just decent at audio engineering and then maybe music production I would feel proud and I feel for me it requires a lot of focus and study that I would rather a job that I like but doesn't require too much time/learning outside of work and isn't too hard that it leaves me too exhausted to learn and watch in depth music production tutorial in my spare time.
The main barrier for me to look for a more stable job now though is how I feel certain that unless I worked on my body language and communication I wouldn't get on with colleagues. I would hate to be stuck yet again in a job where I don't get on with the colleagues and find it hard to communicate with them. Most jobs, especially with the type of work environment I feel suits me requires some amount of social/communication skill. I guess maybe I should stick with this temp job/agency, idk if I would change jobs within the agency, while I maybe look into trying to improve my communication skills as from experience with working in a team with social ineptitude is never pleasant, due to misunderstandings and judgment. I know though that I don't want to do what another colleague, who use to do 6am-10am shifts did. Have one morning job and then an evening job and the thing is that he had a degree, a uni degree then doing two jobs that provide no free time for himself. He use to talk of how he had to rest in the afternoon, had zero free time, not because of late nights, early morning then using the band aid excuse that his life "is just how life is." I have to admit he is a hard worker and committed but to me it just looked like he was just getting by, not learning anything, not working to his maximum potential.
I feel alone right now. It feels painful but also liberating. I think I would have said the same thing a year ago. My close friend seems to have become more distance. This thing happened last year. Tbh, it's pretty understandable. We usually chat a lot on Whatsapp, I do talk about anxiety and work issues though. He is pretty patient but I don't think he understands how much of a problem anxiety can be. But who would if they were literally able to bond with anyone, had good social experiences, family and were told by colleagues that they were too happy. This growing distance between me and my close friend seems less confrontational this time but I also feel I should learn to mix with more people. I feel that my social ineptitude has made me a people pleaser who finds it hard to actually live and express my values rather than my friends, family etc.
The shame of not being successful with Tech City and quitting an apprenticeship after a month though fekt toxic. I didn't want anyone to know. So the occasional day trips were far outside my area, even the library I went to was not my local one due to fear of being seen and judged for not working. I quickly was able to get a temporary job at another warehouse with photobox, I guess this was because it was nearing Christmas. However I quit this job after a week and don't feel shameful for that, I think it's about time I made less bad job moves. This warehouse was far less strenuous than the one near to Heathrow. But then we had to act like we had stuff to do despite having zero training. That plus 6am starts and people who didn't care of their jobs. It was like the previous warehouse job albeit more busier and less extreme I decided not to put up with it and after it seemed like a colleague was laughing at me with other colleagues I decided to leave early that Friday and didn't return. The fact the recruitment agency has still emailed me just shows the drony, careless work culture.
A week after randomly leaving that warehouse job I found the recruitment agency I am working for now. So far I have done Kitchen porter work which I found intensive and worked till my latest hours 5pm - 2am shifts. I probably wouldn't do these again unless I really had too. Funnily enough, although hard, the job didn't leave me feeling too shitty. I guess I was way too busy to feel much. I also felt with my hand wrinkled from 9 hours, no breaks, of washing pots and pans that if I could do this I can do many jobs. After I went to do a cleaning job with this temp agency that I am doing now. It isn't hard but I haven't been shown much on how to do anything, my boss just tells me what to do. I feel the fact that I haven't had to deal with as much social politics compared to other jobs made this job nice despite not making many friends/acquaintances. I feel I have had so many bad social experiences that I have the mentality of "why bother to try and make friends" it's not like it would end well. Again the cleaning I do is for an office, because of this I had 2 weeks Christmas break as office workers had holiday as well, unlike the typical retail worker working on Boxing Day and New Years. It isn't exactly like Unilever, it's much more formal. However the office job feels like Unilever in the sense that the office workers aren't necessarily the hardest workers, perhaps they are well educated, however they have some freedom, can get away with less hours than their poorer counterparts.
Towards christmas I did 10-5 weekday shifts, then a tiring week of 6-5 shifts on the week leading to my christmas break. Now I have came back from christmas break the cleaning agency has found a daytime permanent worker and I work 6am-10am with another temp. It's weird finishing at 10am as everyone else is just going to work and although I done 4 hours of work it feels like I haven't done much. I also because there are three people doing the job, I use to be the only one on my shifts, the job is starting to feel like I am just doing it to kill time for the paycheck. Don't get me wrong it isn't the worst job that I have done but I feel I can get something better.
Because of how I spent my christmas, I feel that some of what I have done in 2016, for example the Tech City Star programme and applying to lots of apprenticeships, aren't my true desires. It feels like it would feel and look good to be doing a challenging apprenticeship or job where I grow and learn a lot. But then how much energy would I be able to channel towards my real interests. Will I be learning what I want to learn or just learn stuff that please others? I feel that lots of what most people seem to do in society is to please others. I have been called unambitious by a peer who was an immigrant in one of my jobs, been around adults who constantly focus on what job I'm doing when they meet me. But in all honesty are attractive office jobs, that one can boast online about, really dreams or golden handcuff where one is respected but feels somewhat trapped. I'm sure some people like their office jobs, I know I would like certain office jobs. The office floor I help clean seems to be for an important company and although I am certain some people enjoy the job, I don't think I can imagine working there and feeling happy. I would probably be able to put up with the job environment well though.
I feel I have began taking music production more seriously recently and, contrary to what people think, to really know what I am doing I actually have to study/learn how each effect such as compression, synthesis, phasing etc. works. Idk, I'm confused, but if I became an expert or just decent at audio engineering and then maybe music production I would feel proud and I feel for me it requires a lot of focus and study that I would rather a job that I like but doesn't require too much time/learning outside of work and isn't too hard that it leaves me too exhausted to learn and watch in depth music production tutorial in my spare time.
The main barrier for me to look for a more stable job now though is how I feel certain that unless I worked on my body language and communication I wouldn't get on with colleagues. I would hate to be stuck yet again in a job where I don't get on with the colleagues and find it hard to communicate with them. Most jobs, especially with the type of work environment I feel suits me requires some amount of social/communication skill. I guess maybe I should stick with this temp job/agency, idk if I would change jobs within the agency, while I maybe look into trying to improve my communication skills as from experience with working in a team with social ineptitude is never pleasant, due to misunderstandings and judgment. I know though that I don't want to do what another colleague, who use to do 6am-10am shifts did. Have one morning job and then an evening job and the thing is that he had a degree, a uni degree then doing two jobs that provide no free time for himself. He use to talk of how he had to rest in the afternoon, had zero free time, not because of late nights, early morning then using the band aid excuse that his life "is just how life is." I have to admit he is a hard worker and committed but to me it just looked like he was just getting by, not learning anything, not working to his maximum potential.
I feel alone right now. It feels painful but also liberating. I think I would have said the same thing a year ago. My close friend seems to have become more distance. This thing happened last year. Tbh, it's pretty understandable. We usually chat a lot on Whatsapp, I do talk about anxiety and work issues though. He is pretty patient but I don't think he understands how much of a problem anxiety can be. But who would if they were literally able to bond with anyone, had good social experiences, family and were told by colleagues that they were too happy. This growing distance between me and my close friend seems less confrontational this time but I also feel I should learn to mix with more people. I feel that my social ineptitude has made me a people pleaser who finds it hard to actually live and express my values rather than my friends, family etc.
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