I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
Tender
Posted 4th May 2014 at 06:40 by Star Rainbow
Tags feelings, panic attack, socialising
Tender? More like tenderised. My father was a chef and I recall seeing him bash at steaks in the restaurant kitchen. A wooden mallet, with 'teeth'.
That's how I'm feeling today, like I've been tenderised with a steak mallet.
It's probably all postive and maybe time will grant me the wise perspective of how well I've done. But in this moment I'm feeling overwrought and overstimulated.
'Partied' a second day in a row; well it's hardly partying to sit in an ashram garden on a sunny afternoon and eat cake.
That part was fine and I guess I thought I was 'better' and went into the main building to set up to play music with my friends.
The set-up felt good and I relaxed into the nurturing environment of the meditation hall. J was tuning her antique tibetan bowls and for a moment it looked like it really was going to happen.
Then 'people' started arriving. Familiar people, fine, then a few others - er... Then suddenly more and too many and a panic attack started. Well I hardly need to describe those symptoms here lol.
I dumped emotionally on S who was still in the garden and demanded that she hug me and blurted my feelings out. That's probably a good thing.
It was upsetting to hear the opening 'OM' of the chanting, well its that gap between where I am and where I want to be.
Even though - rocking up to the party already makes it successful. I genuinely enjoyed connecting with people out in the garden and my symptoms didnt come on until I took myself into a known provocative situation.
I can't rationalise that any further. Feeling tender and yes - upset right now and don't want to pretend that's not happening.
If I can be at all skilful around self-care today that could look like: eating wisely (inner adult making decisions) Taking a walk in nature (regulates everything. Noticing but not indulging negative/doom filled thoughts.
Acknowledging today could be a bit tough. And that tomorrow could be brighter. Asking for extra help, support and nurture.
Thanks for witnessing. Another bump on the road to freedom.
That's how I'm feeling today, like I've been tenderised with a steak mallet.
It's probably all postive and maybe time will grant me the wise perspective of how well I've done. But in this moment I'm feeling overwrought and overstimulated.
'Partied' a second day in a row; well it's hardly partying to sit in an ashram garden on a sunny afternoon and eat cake.
That part was fine and I guess I thought I was 'better' and went into the main building to set up to play music with my friends.
The set-up felt good and I relaxed into the nurturing environment of the meditation hall. J was tuning her antique tibetan bowls and for a moment it looked like it really was going to happen.
Then 'people' started arriving. Familiar people, fine, then a few others - er... Then suddenly more and too many and a panic attack started. Well I hardly need to describe those symptoms here lol.
I dumped emotionally on S who was still in the garden and demanded that she hug me and blurted my feelings out. That's probably a good thing.
It was upsetting to hear the opening 'OM' of the chanting, well its that gap between where I am and where I want to be.
Even though - rocking up to the party already makes it successful. I genuinely enjoyed connecting with people out in the garden and my symptoms didnt come on until I took myself into a known provocative situation.
I can't rationalise that any further. Feeling tender and yes - upset right now and don't want to pretend that's not happening.
If I can be at all skilful around self-care today that could look like: eating wisely (inner adult making decisions) Taking a walk in nature (regulates everything. Noticing but not indulging negative/doom filled thoughts.
Acknowledging today could be a bit tough. And that tomorrow could be brighter. Asking for extra help, support and nurture.
Thanks for witnessing. Another bump on the road to freedom.
Total Comments 0
