Please, dont give up. Ive thought of doing this so many times, cant say im in the best of places now either but if i just gave up, shut the curtains and decided to wither away I know theres not many who would just come to my rescue, even if they did, they wouldnt say the right thing. You havent killed yourself so there must still be some fight left in you yet. I found a good quote the other day and keep it in my bag, might help you a little bit, i dont know but here it is:
'As sure as the earth revolves around the sun and winter follows the spring, so must our life move in cycles. So there will always be easy times and there will be hard times, as sure as one season follows another. One of the great challenges of life is dealing with the winter whilst you are waiting for things to get better. Things will get better. They always do. The trouble is that many people give up and go home to early. The tide will always turn.'

Intense blog - I've thought along those lines your talking about; throwing caution to the wind but I've imagined it a bit different.

Your scenario would be more fitting say for an addict whose sinking deeper into the pits would sober them because of seeing how much they had lost from reality. With SA however you start already at a disadvantage loosing the little you have (you few friends) would only further cement your troubles; surely? If you give into fear it'll only ever get a stronger hold on you.
I'd see it more as rather than letting myself sink, I'd jump in at the deep end and force my latent natural instinct to fight to survive kick in; I've long been resolved to the notion that "no one is coming to save us" . I'd re-frame it from "giving in" to "giving it a real go this time!"
But I ain't had the balls for that yet.
good luck tho

Have you tried anti depressants? I'm taking Sertraline which is for Anxiety and Depression. I have felt so much better recently since taking them and have felt like going out more, don't worry as much when I'm out and about. Also having head phones on helps when I'm in town.. I haven't been on here as much as I used to as I have been keeping busy but didn't before.. I know what you are going through and it can feel like it will never go away but don't give up hope

Have you ever tried to get help with your feelings? If you haven't then I think it would be a good idea for you. I can really relate to the life you describe and have a problem with binge eating myself - there is help out there. Good Luck!

Awesome poem. I can totally relate but we must never give up overcoming anxiety and fear.

Hey, I can relate to a lot of what u've said about reluctance to join in with the site. I find it hard talking to people online, I think it's difficult to really make a connection with anyone unless you are posting all of the time.
A lot of it burns down to avoidance with me.

Anyway just wanted to let you know that you're not alone feeling like that, I hope you can get some positive things from sauk

nice it sounds very poetic

So touching and I hope that opening up here is your first step to confine in someone in person.

Sad poem, but enjoyed it

hope your ok. Have you decied if you are coming to Barcelona

I get this too, my brain seems to forget every word in the english language meaning I come across as a creepy-creeper-son!
Stoopid SA riddled mind.

You're a great writer though

Great blog - this sounds exactly like me, it's like I'm looking in a mirror when I read this!

I am useless at talking to. But I work in a bookies which is quite a male environment at times- and notice some guys they don't necessarily respond to a guy talking back- they just sort of listen.

Great metaphor about waiting for the words to come and 'pop the sense of awkwardness that builds around my mass.' You've got a talent for writing. I can relate to what you say only too well.

I can identify with a lot of what you're saying here. I don't have any answers, but your not alone in how you feel.
Your writing is great, something to be proud of.