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Should I move out ?

Posted 1st August 2015 at 00:00 by amara

Perhaps my situation isn't so bad that I need to move out immediately, but the home environment seems bad for my mental wellbeing.

Today there wasn't much food in the house, in fact the fridge is empty with just milk so I had Quaker Oats for dinner. Tbh I could have brought more food for today, like I did the last few days; but I decided f*** it, I couldn't be bothered as my mum hardly buys food herself and expects me to be buying food for the house the whole week. My mum is on benefits but seems to run out of money the first 3 days she receives it, she says cause she has to pay the bills and stuff but I feel she can spend her money more wisely as she never seems too skint to have cigarettes and buys fast food when she gets benefits. Maybe, the benefits she gets is really small but I don't think it would be so small that she can't feed herself. And I have asked her if she could find ways to pay less bills, even maybe getting rid of the internet idk if that's crazy lol, although she insists that they are important. Idk I help with the rent, maybe I can help pay the bills more but I do think my mum can try to buy food for the house sometimes. I hate feeling the need to avoid my mum in my house as the only ever thing she asks me for is either money or to buy something. Another thing, perhaps a whining comment is that it feels my mum never listens honestly it's like I tell her something, such as to not use our dishes as ashtrays, and it's literally, and I do mean literally, the information goes through one ear and out of the other ear or either she starts to act as if I'm verbally attacking her if I suggest something or confront something.

Idk if I'm just selfish, I probably am, but I feel I have enough of my own problems and think my mum can try to help herself a bit more. My mum said she thinks that somebody is using her identity, so they can work or something, hence she is getting a small amount of benefit money. From what I know, she hasn't reported it as she thinks the police wouldn't believe her but I honestly think she should because it's not fair on her, me or my sister. My mum isn't a bad person but at the same time she doesn't seem to have a healthy mindset, seems constantly negative with a "everyone is against me" mentality and I can just imagine life being so much easier if I kept her at some distance. There are other problems in the house apart from food such as no sofas (comfort space), damp bathroom with falling tiles and a bit of fungus, but yeah I think presently my mum's dependency on me is the main problem.

I know my situation isn't unique and loads of people are in a similar situation to me, but I have been thinking. Maybe I'm an idealist but briefly looking at other peers and even at my ex-colleagues lives I have thought I am 21, I shouldn't be the main person buying food for the family. I am also relatively new to making money and paid work so ideally my mum shouldn't be the financially dependent one, not saying I should though. The home environment sometimes makes it harder to focus on what I should be focusing on, building skills for a future career, independence, things most 21 year olds focus on etc. If I move out I feel it would actually be easier to help my mum and myself as she wouldn't be around me 24/7 so I would have breathing space to be calm. The main thing I would miss if I were to move out is my bedroom, I am most likely to have a smaller, worse bedroom if I moved out now. I would probably also have less privacy, idk though that's just a guess. But if that's the price I have to pay for my wellbeing then so be it.

The funny thing is that I have thought about this on and off for a few years now. What always makes me feel that I don't need to move out is that living at home is cheaper, less responsibility, the fact that I might want to go back into education and that seems like an easier thing to do while at home and those few days or weeks things go at least decent at home. Maybe I should just take the risk at focus on moving out, although I can imagine moving out making certain things harder. For example, moving out would probably slow down certain things I'm thinking of doing such as further education and require me to be more grown up and responsible, I would have less option to quit a job due to bills. But perhaps if my mental wellbeing improves when I move out, as I imagine, these things might not be as big as a deal as they feel now or they might be easier to focus on.
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