I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
Pool paradox & unexpected visitor
Posted 15th May 2014 at 07:49 by Star Rainbow
Tags anxiety, fitness, friends, people-pleasing, summer
The lido is open for summer. The paradox of the warm sunny weather is that, everyone wants to go and that makes it very difficult for me.
A/the(?) major trigger of my anxiety/panic is proximity to other people/sharing public space. So I rocked up at the pool yesterday afternoon at what is usually the quietest time. Post lunchtime, pre-end of school day.
The carpark was full and so were the cycle racks. I leaned my bike against the wall, walked to the entrance and peeped across the turnstile. Though the happy shouts of children playing told me everything, I was looking to confirm and see for myself.
Yup, busy. Not by the world's standards, but by my standard. My world is the world - right?
I felt very tender and upset. Not angry or blaming of anyone or anything, just genuine disappointment. Cycling home I attempted to give that feeling some compassionate attention, to soothe myself, but I dont think it was successful.
Maybe the attempt is the important part? Wanting to be with myself at a difficult time? It's a new skill for me that I am learning to cultivate. And all new skills require time for mastery.
Then another 'thing'. A friend of mine, very active in the world, work, travel etc. Well she just showed up at my door.
I get it that this is normal behaviour Casual and friendly, just popping in after work.
But to me, an unplanned visitor, that's off the scale, sends me into a total spin. Thing is, I had wanted to catch up with her. Like me, she is a yoga teacher and we have shared adventures in India and at various festivals when I was fully functional
She spent most of the winter in India, and just now a month in Peru, is off to Ibiza in a couple of weeks, then teaching at Glastonbury festival. (Yes, the life of a yoga teacher can be awesome.)
I did want to spend quality time with her and listen to her experiences. But in turning up unannounced, that just scrambled me and I couldnt stay present, my anxiety was too high.
I didnt tell her how I was feeling, went into auto-people pleaser mode, just smiled, nodded, asked polite questions while feeling incredibly tense and uncomfortable. Here's the thing. I dont think that she really gets how..... incapacitated I am? It is so far removed from her experience to imagine, not being able to leave the house, or take a bus journey.
She must still hold those associations of me as robust, active and engaged. I guess that's OK from one point of view. Btw, it didnt catapult me into self-blame, I didnt measure myself to her and compare achievements. I am actually beginning to trust these conditions.
Well, there's no neat conclusion or resolution to this tale. Just me feeling a little unprepared for her visit, I guess no real harm done.
About the swimming, I'll try again today. I kept my schedule afloat during the winter, cycling a 5 mile round trip to the indoor pool 2-3 times per week, somehow fitting it around the winter weather.
So I won't be scuppered by the sun
I'll have to rejig my routine and go in the evening for the adult swim. That's busy too, but in a calm way, if that makes sense. Gotta swim!! Really hope I can make it work, either that or will have to pray for rain = empty pool 
Thank you for reading
A/the(?) major trigger of my anxiety/panic is proximity to other people/sharing public space. So I rocked up at the pool yesterday afternoon at what is usually the quietest time. Post lunchtime, pre-end of school day.
The carpark was full and so were the cycle racks. I leaned my bike against the wall, walked to the entrance and peeped across the turnstile. Though the happy shouts of children playing told me everything, I was looking to confirm and see for myself.
Yup, busy. Not by the world's standards, but by my standard. My world is the world - right?
I felt very tender and upset. Not angry or blaming of anyone or anything, just genuine disappointment. Cycling home I attempted to give that feeling some compassionate attention, to soothe myself, but I dont think it was successful.
Maybe the attempt is the important part? Wanting to be with myself at a difficult time? It's a new skill for me that I am learning to cultivate. And all new skills require time for mastery.
Then another 'thing'. A friend of mine, very active in the world, work, travel etc. Well she just showed up at my door.

But to me, an unplanned visitor, that's off the scale, sends me into a total spin. Thing is, I had wanted to catch up with her. Like me, she is a yoga teacher and we have shared adventures in India and at various festivals when I was fully functional
She spent most of the winter in India, and just now a month in Peru, is off to Ibiza in a couple of weeks, then teaching at Glastonbury festival. (Yes, the life of a yoga teacher can be awesome.)
I did want to spend quality time with her and listen to her experiences. But in turning up unannounced, that just scrambled me and I couldnt stay present, my anxiety was too high.
I didnt tell her how I was feeling, went into auto-people pleaser mode, just smiled, nodded, asked polite questions while feeling incredibly tense and uncomfortable. Here's the thing. I dont think that she really gets how..... incapacitated I am? It is so far removed from her experience to imagine, not being able to leave the house, or take a bus journey.
She must still hold those associations of me as robust, active and engaged. I guess that's OK from one point of view. Btw, it didnt catapult me into self-blame, I didnt measure myself to her and compare achievements. I am actually beginning to trust these conditions.
Well, there's no neat conclusion or resolution to this tale. Just me feeling a little unprepared for her visit, I guess no real harm done.
About the swimming, I'll try again today. I kept my schedule afloat during the winter, cycling a 5 mile round trip to the indoor pool 2-3 times per week, somehow fitting it around the winter weather.
So I won't be scuppered by the sun


Thank you for reading

Total Comments 2
Comments
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To this day I still hate people turning up out of the blue. I think it's actually quite inconsiderate.
At least you answered the door, that's more than I'd do. I generally freeze where I am and stay quiet until they've gone. Bit like hiding from graboids in fact.Posted 15th May 2014 at 12:25 by Laser -
Yes, I really do prefer a text/phonecall beforehand. Then I could get good and comfortable and generally have a better time.
I have a couple of friends who tend to 'drop by', I think it's cos they like it when ppl do this to them and they assume that everyone is the same.
'Freeze and hide' is a good response, good for you! It's my deeply entrenched ppl pleasing that is such a reflex to open the door with a fake smile and 'welcome' them in.
I like my friends, I just need to plan the time I spend with ppl, hopefully not a control issue, but personal energy management.
Thanks for the conversation.Posted 16th May 2014 at 09:13 by Star Rainbow