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Bleak House

Posted 10th October 2015 at 13:21 by indigo777

Its so easy to sink into the abyss of depression and want to give up on everything. The light at the end of the tunnel gets forever smaller and harder to reach. Over the last few weeks and months(if not years!) my mood has nose dived so far its hard to imagine feeling normal or happy ever again. Maybe my brain has gone doodah. Sometimes I hardly sleep at all and then other days I sleep until midday. Motivation collapses and the point for continued existence is harder to find. I have tried to do normal things like keeping busy and going for walks but they are not the same anymore and do not stop the anxiety which increases relentlessly like the tide of death coming in to overwhelm and drown me. Nothing works and to be honest it never has for very long. Like brief glimpses of sunlight in the darkness.Occasionally I have the odd good day but i know now it's only a momentary escape in an ocean of hopelessness and despair.

I find most other people simply too hard to deal with.To be honest I think most people are judgmental even if not on purpose. Most people dont care about strangers and why should they? People only care about their own clan and if you have no one to be with then you often stay alone as no one wants you as a friend or partner. If there is something wrong with you it's much harder to connect, not only because of anxiety and social ineptitude but because people dont want to know you as we evolved to dislike faults and stay away from mad or mental people. We mock them for acting strange or not being like one of us.This only makes isolation and mental health problems worse. You can only connect with strangers in real life or online by trying to be like one of them in order to make them like us, pretending to be happy when really desperately sad inside, pretending to like what they like even if you think them boring and their music and TV programs rubbish, pretending to be like them. But you're not and never have been. Just be yourself is the biggest lie of all.

I imagine a happy family sitting in their front room around their Christmas Dinner this year. They laugh and smile and enjoy the experience of sharing, of being one and together and happy. Memories that last a lifetime.I then imagine myself looking through their window like a future ghost from a Christmas Carol(not a creepy weirdo!) and seeing myself as I could have been but unlike scrooge I have no means of changing my future by being kinder as being less shy and avoidant is the problem. The pain of knowing what can not now be is almost as bad as losing what you have when you are happy. I dont know what to do any more. No advice works as it assumes the near impossible. Pushing myself often did not work as so much advice ignores the fact that when you act chronically shy people think you're a freak and never want to see you again. As a result I got worse and not better.I just wish it would all end.
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  1. Old Comment
    I relate to what you are saying and just recently felt tremendous grief over 'lost years' and the recluse Ive become and questioned is it even worth going on. I feel so separate from others because my life is and has been quite different due to various issues and ongoing isolation, I have a burning sense of strangeness when around people and feel like a little Alien trying to relate anywhere. Sorry I rambled but just wanted to explain, as I could strongly relate and wanted to say you have never come across as some mad or insane person but someone who has had a lot of pain and distress and has tried their best to cope with it. :hug2:
    Posted 11th October 2015 at 00:41 by Sy4kQ87nmDS Sy4kQ87nmDS is offline
  2. Old Comment
    :( :hug2:
    Posted 11th October 2015 at 07:54 by either/or
  3. Old Comment
    Thank for replies. Hugs back to both of you.

    There are other things going on as well but not everything is possible to post.
    Posted 11th October 2015 at 19:39 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  4. Old Comment
    I get where you're coming form, particularly the part of everyone wanting to be with their own clan.

    I like the way you've expressed the feelings of having missed-out in the final paragraph. Such seems to be very rare. Regarding the pain of what cannot now be, I get these thoughts too when I focus on how SA has hindered me. I'm still optimistic that things are never too late, there's never a cut-off point.

    On the note of no advice working, so much advice is on such a shallow level; e.g. do x,y, z, talk to people, show itnerest, keep trying etc. but they never, if ever go to the second level of 'common problems people have putting this into effect; trouble-shooting. Even 'professional' counsellors don't. The quality of advice needs improving, it needs to be more comprehensive and needs to go to that second level.
    Posted 2nd December 2015 at 00:03 by hollowone hollowone is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Thanks for your reply.
    Although they say its never too late I think chances and opportunities diminish greatly through age. I could never have a family now, that's gone forever. Finding someone to be with,maybe friends and find a job that I could do and not hate are the best I could achieve but again are much harder.

    I read 99% of online advice for social anxiety was completely useless and I find its pretty much true. Its really for mild to moderate shyness and assumes that you have an irrational fear and just need pushing into doing things and you will get better with a little effort. In reality if you act very anxious most people will at best feel sorry for you but still not want to see you again so your anxiety and avoidance get worse not better, just like using online forums.
    Posted 2nd December 2015 at 13:11 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline

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