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I don't even think I know much about women.

Posted 28th December 2020 at 23:02 by amara

At most I have been a woman's friend, partly my fault as I didn't accept dates from a few girls in High School as I was scared and had identity issues. When I was 8 I played with some girls but it was widely discouraged by some family members. After that I just tried to fit in or hide to not attract any attention and hung around with other boys, usually the less cool ones.

It's as an adult that I have found that although it's difficult to talk to most people, sometimes it's like I find what some women talk about more relatable or less intimidating.

I think most women probably mostly find me creepy or awkward. Growing up I remember a few girl classmates taking such dislike to me that they were not alright to sit next to me or do classwork with me. When a girl, that is an age mate and kind of cool has been nice to me, I always feel uncomfortable with it, I know that is irrational but I am being honest. I think it's cause I think I would let them down and because I don't expect them to really like talking to me.

I was just thinking of improving myself, or taking better care of myself, stop being a loser, low status man.

It brought up the thought that I don't really know girls. I also read a thread where a man talked about his relationships in High School and the multiple breakups. It seems High School is a time you are meant to experiment with relationships and stuff but I never did so.

I was also thinking of being more authentic and journaled a bit about it.

I want to be able to be more authentic and take better care of myself but I notice that what puts me off trying is how I perceive others expectations of me a lot. Also the fact that I find interaction hard and don't know how to respond to lots of stuff. I don't get most jokes. I think people judge a lot of your competence on your social skills, so I think for me my lack of social skill becomes a self fufilling prophecy to not try at other stuff that seems to be associated with looking well. Maybe, it's not about not trying, but more about feeling uncomfortable to dress well, feeling uncomfortable when I feel I have a good haircut, uncomfortable exercising in public.

But I guess self improvement also involves learning more social skills.
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