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Seriously took a break from most social media and think I am going to continue to

Posted 31st October 2020 at 22:47 by amara

This week I have taken a break from most social media. I have limited my Youtube viewing, Temporarily deactivated my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts and also took a break from SAUK. Limiting porn as well, it reminds me of the lack of women or people I see or interact with in real life. Since I only masturbate to porn, it makes me confused with my sexual taste. Whether it's real or porn induced?

I noticed as a result it has been easier to focus on certain things that matter to me and read more. Also do more chores around the house. This may be different for other people though. I think it gets rid of some of the noise of over stimulation that can be caused by social media.

However, my anxiety, depression and repressed anger is still definitely there. I feel at the moment it's worse that I have to take action. Maybe, also social media in a way helped buffer my repressed anger with the few positive interactions. However, I don't need it to be buffered, I need to work through it. I feel not having social media or allowing myself to be alone makes me more able to focus on my anxiety issues. Since social media is very distracting, with me, it makes me lose focus on lots of stuff that matters to me. It is worse but the times of clarity are also more clear as time moves a bit slower.

I have been going through a book called the Emotionally absent mother. Going by some reviews of the book I saw on amazon and the fact some people here have said that CBT doesn't work for them that well, it makes me wonder. Is it just SA a lot of SA sufferers have, or are there more deep rooted issues such as unsolved traumas and different issues?

I have slipped back to watching youtube but try to not look at as many comments and limit my time to use it, such as when I am eating or cooking. Youtube is great however like other social media it can become a distraction if not careful and waste your whole day.

In the past when I did this challenge I didn't block youtube and ended up replacing my social media with youtube so I didn't get the benefits.

I think a solution for me to my anxiety, trauma and anger issues is actually play. I think I lost the sense of play growing up through expectations to be normal, threats that I would be reported to the mental health team by my mum. And also the fact I sucked at football, what most guys saw as play, but felt bad about that. So I ended up seeing everything as something to practice to get better at, if that makes sense, rather than just play. I need to get back a sense of carefree play.

Reading the book and observing my mum after moving back though. My mum, couldn't help me in certain ways cause she had unresolved issues. As well as schizophrenia I think she also has maybe formed OCD. She said she has a specific time to smoke, she cleans the bathroom at the same time in the midnight daily. Has to keep all the lights in the house on all night.

Recently I began journaling, it was one recommendation in The emotionally absent mother book. Weirdly sometimes it seems to calm me down. I am just writing, but I guess I am offloading my thoughts and it is reminding me to keep focus of my problems and the solutions I see for it.
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