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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Family, trauma and healing

Posted 22nd April 2014 at 10:30 by Star Rainbow

ITs a heavy title and a heavy subject so if you are of tender disposition today, click away now!

Just read Indigo's journal and though I hadnt thought I was affected by the Bank Hol; maybe I was, I just couldnt see it. (Thanks - Indigo )

Helps explain why I collapsed into junk food over the weekend, which is a really old pattern, I thought I had released. A coping mechanism to self-soothe and prevent strong, scary feelings come up and overwhelm me. It wasnt so much the angst of seeing others together, for me more specific. Missing my (birth) family. That's always more acutely felt during holidays, when the cultural expectation is for families to come together and share special time.

We are estranged, or from another perspective, I have been abandonned by them. this happened in a particularly brutal way; and correlates to this intense anxiety I have been experiencing for the past two years - I suspect I have been deeply traumatised and my nervous system has gone into shock.

Various family members appear regularly in my dreams. Last night, mother. She spoke to me for the first time, and was angry and blaming about the incident that sparked their withdrawal. As though she's still in that original place with it and time - two years has mellowed nothing. Though I would have to acknowledge her speaking directly with me, albeit in a dream - for the first time. A rapprochement of sorts.

I wonder whether dreams can be shamanic ie we travel to other realms for healing, and that the healing takes place in consciousness before it becomes manifest.

Sheesh! I dont feel that waiting around for my family to 'forgive' me is right.

Working on forgiveness and acceptance is all I can do, to hold them in my heart, but I'm not there yet and I dont know that I could ever trust them again with my feelings.

My childhood was pretty messed up - perfect middle class upbringing on the outside, but emotionally catastrophic - a senior psychiatrist labelled my parents as 'supremely dysfunctional'. Making my parents wrong or having an expert grant a label that absolves me doesnt create healing however. Therapy helps to understand why and release any guilt I may be holding - that is helpful, but again is only part of a more complete healing.

For that I have to continuously surrender the mind to the heart and ask for healing and admit that I dont have the answers.
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  1. Old Comment
    I've had a similarly traumatic childhood. I started my healing work two years ago. I've essentially been self medicating to deal with the unprocessed traumas and emotional pain built up from the past. I was out of touch with reality for a long, long time - in denial.

    Therapy has helped to some extent and I've done a lot of personal work which has had a life changing impact but still some problems persist. I think with some discipline one can create the necessary changes in the mind to adequately manage the symptoms of trauma related conditions. So be optimistic, have faith that you can heal completely. Also as hard as it may be, try to shift attention away from the past and onto positive thoughts or actions.
    Posted 22nd April 2014 at 19:51 by zpargo872 zpargo872 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Star Rainbow's Avatar
    Thanks for this ^. Your experience is very resonant for me, everything you write!

    It's helpful to be reminded of the need for discipline and optimism. Some days, I can't summon faith, but I know I've 'already come a long way'. By virtue of stepping out of the patterns of dysfunction, facing the pain and opening to the healing.
    Posted 23rd April 2014 at 07:12 by Star Rainbow Star Rainbow is offline
 

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