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Posted 22nd April 2020 at 23:40 by Amara 94

Recently I joined back on facebook as the Martial Arts group I attended run classes through their group on Facebook.

It's good that classes have continued online. However there has been a dark side to joining back on Facebook, especially with other stuff going on in my life. Stuff to do with attachment, sense of self, family etc.

Facebook is a easy place to spy on former class mates. I did this and also have spied on distant family members I have never met. At times this has led to understanding some classmates. Other times it reminds me of the past, some stuff classmates said or did to me and makes me feel bad.

This spying doesn't feel bad if I just check one classmates friends list. However today I checked classmates by name as I still have the yearbook from high school. Something else that makes me feel bad.

Towards the end of high school, most classmates started ignoring me. My friends grew more distant. My friends, friends, who hung out sometimes wouldn't be nice to me or want to hang out with me if they weren't with friends.

I also feel that I was almost selectively mute to the point that I was hard to bully. So maybe the tactic of giving me the silent treatment was maybe some classmates trying to confront me.

I forgot about a few incidences until I saw this classmate in my yearbook.

Anyways, this girl was well liked in the class but also an immigrant. She seemed to really dislike me but I think this was probably cause I was literally silent. Anytime we did group work, which was a few times. She seemed to try to make me angry or confront me.

I definitely can't say I had the worst bullying. Rather I had the biggest fear of being bullied and a ridiculous sense of guilt as a teenager.

I also think I probably had the attachment issues I notice now, probably since a child.

There is another girl I searched on Facebook. She has a kid and boyfriend. I use to always say Hello to her. Not cause I liked her, but just wanted to be friendly. She was nice but later became less nice. I think I was probably confusing as I could say Hi clearly to her yet in class I was so shy that it was scary to talk. Now I have some anger towards her.

A few things I remember her saying to me was that my wrists were skinny for a man. I wasn't really Nigerian or Christian at the time. Now I look back it makes sense as my two friends were both Irish and I went Church cause my mum forced me to go and it was seen as the right thing to do. However if she were to confront me in such way if I met her again, I will tell her that she doesn't know me, she doesn't know my intentions. She only sees me when I am very anxious.

I can understand her not so nice reaction though. It seems to happen with the girl friendships I have. Probably cause I'm both clingy and anxious. If I want a friendship it doesn't come across as genuine or because I crave acceptance I may come across manipulative.

As a teen I feel that I didn't know what friendship was as my mum shamed me for not having many friends and in the household I grew up in, it seemed that friendship was more about building a social status than actually building a friendship. It's not a big deal, but I remember a family friend saying I should be more like the cool kid and how I was too quiet. I went on a family holiday to visit American cousins when I was 12 years old. I remember that I was brought some designer clothes that I didn't feel comfortable wearing as it was stuff cool kids at the time wore and I wasn't cool. So it felt like I had to be cook although it wasn't me. My Auntie also said how I should be more like a leader a lot, I think she meant more confident. I feel anxious if I see her as I feel she judges me.

Plenty more stuff has happened. I feel angry and frustrated after writing this because I feel the times where I feel that I haven't tried to be bad to a person it feels like they have taken my intentions wrong way. Honestly I have done the same. It just really doesn't feel fair. I feel like I should stop being Mr Nice guy.

As I said at the beginning of the blog other stuff going on has been going. Idk if I am over-exaggerating. I most likely am tbh and this lockdown isn't helping. But one second my cousin seems nice that the next minute distant. But then we speak on Whatsapp and she shares a lot of statuses there. The times that she is distant makes me wonder if the times she is nice are only her trying to be nice to me, rather than her being authentically interested in speaking to me. I crave too much approval from her as well that I think I have an unhealthy attachment to her. Maybe she senses this.

I think at the moment I don't want to be confronted about that so feel angry with her distance. But this is a messed up thought as we are cousins. I wouldn't think most cousins are close. I don't watch many shows but I would view myself as Luke O'Neil and my cousin as Kate Messner from the show Everything Sucks in our interactions. I think I had similar relationship with an ex-coworker. I think I don't like this image though as it points to me being the problem in a relationship. But then I do have attachment problems and the need for approval and to people please.
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