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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Posted 4th May 2014 at 07:40 by Star Rainbow

Tender? More like tenderised. My father was a chef and I recall seeing him bash at steaks in the restaurant kitchen. A wooden mallet, with 'teeth'.

That's how I'm feeling today, like I've been tenderised with a steak mallet.

It's probably all postive and maybe time will grant me the wise perspective of how well I've done. But in this moment I'm feeling overwrought and overstimulated.

'Partied' a second day in a row; well it's hardly partying to sit in an ashram garden on a sunny afternoon and eat cake.

That part was fine and I guess I thought I was 'better' and went into the main building to set up to play music with my friends.

The set-up felt good and I relaxed into the nurturing environment of the meditation hall. J was tuning her antique tibetan bowls and for a moment it looked like it really was going to happen.

Then 'people' started arriving. Familiar people, fine, then a few others - er... Then suddenly more and too many and a panic attack started. Well I hardly need to describe those symptoms here lol.

I dumped emotionally on S who was still in the garden and demanded that she hug me and blurted my feelings out. That's probably a good thing.

It was upsetting to hear the opening 'OM' of the chanting, well its that gap between where I am and where I want to be.

Even though - rocking up to the party already makes it successful. I genuinely enjoyed connecting with people out in the garden and my symptoms didnt come on until I took myself into a known provocative situation.

I can't rationalise that any further. Feeling tender and yes - upset right now and don't want to pretend that's not happening.

If I can be at all skilful around self-care today that could look like: eating wisely (inner adult making decisions) Taking a walk in nature (regulates everything. Noticing but not indulging negative/doom filled thoughts.

Acknowledging today could be a bit tough. And that tomorrow could be brighter. Asking for extra help, support and nurture.

Thanks for witnessing. Another bump on the road to freedom.
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