Yikes the mists are clearing. I had swung into a deep depression, almost a crisis, and a subtle one, didnt notice its creeping onset, then, suddenly consumed! In the midst of the black smog.

Wow. Yet alongside that, some deeper yearning seeking to express. More healthsome, wholesome. The tendancy towards life. Expansion, openness, connection. By life, not necessarily society, but the essence of life itself, the living breathing intelligence of the natural world.

Somehow...

I dont know how or why but life these days, well... I would prefer to be gently paddling down that merry stream, carefree and languid in dappled sunlight, dangling one hand in the calm, cool waters.

In reality, I am clutching at the mane of a wild stallion who is tearing through the forest, I am bouncing around on its back, barely seated, holding on for dear life etc

Ultra busy with an unstoppable chain of events, people and places, too much of everything. Maybe its...

The lido is open for summer. The paradox of the warm sunny weather is that, everyone wants to go and that makes it very difficult for me.

A/the(?) major trigger of my anxiety/panic is proximity to other people/sharing public space. So I rocked up at the pool yesterday afternoon at what is usually the quietest time. Post lunchtime, pre-end of school day.

The carpark was full and so were the cycle racks. I leaned my bike against the wall, walked to the entrance and peeped...

I probably need to vent which is the fair assessment of what is going on in my brain. This is if i'm going to sleep tonight.

Well i'm back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks off. Have I had a good holiday? It's been ok but nothing special. I've been disappointed with myself. I didn't achieve everything that I set out to do during the summer holidays. I'm sort of use to this though setting out plans socially but never actually coming close to achieve them. Anxiety always wins.
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