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Good night,then.

Posted 30th March 2014 at 19:57 by indigo777

Mothersí day and the first one without her. Tomorrow would have been her birthday as well so I went to the cemetery bearing flowers. Yet still the dreams haunt me. Of trying to keep her alive in the final months, getting her to eat and drink, keeping her warm. Of comforting someone who knows they are going to die soon and they see their own body and mind start to fall apart. The waiting, the dreading, the knowing it will come regardless of praying or weekly visits to the cathedral and sitting quietly looking at the face of Christ in stained glass. The fear is always there.It has never gone away. The memories go. She cried sometimes as she did not know what was happening any more or where she was. Spending months in a hospital and care home made her much worse and more confused but she still recovered enough to spend her final year in her real home. The house she had moved into in 1958 with my dad when brand new. The house I was born in. My granny had lived just down the road, my great grandparents just round the corner. Living is sometimes shit, dying certainly is. Some of those memories during the final months will haunt me until my last days, however long I have left myself.

When you are young you either ignore death or put it from your mind unless you are unfortunate to experience it first hand. The desperate nature of trying to complete things before itís over. The sheer finality and inevitability of it. It, meaning everything, no more second chances, no more hope. It matters. If you donít exist for the rest of eternity and disappear into oblivion then the final moments matter. Every moment matters. No wonder so many people turn to religion to comfort them and offer hope of a continuation. No wonder mankind invented religion at all. Without optimism there is no hope. With death as oblivion I see no reason for optimism at all and most of the reasons for optimism as simply delusional. There were two teenage boys at the cemetery looking at a grave near me. I did not see any adult with them. I wondered if they had come on their own to pay respects to their mum. How cruel. There were lots of people today. Some were crying as their mothers must have been not long gone or the memories of distant times came flooding back however briefly. Just before I left a father with two young sons came with a bunch of flowers. A wife and mother gone too soon. I wonder how it will affect their future. I hope they make her proud.
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  1. Old Comment
    Zimmerman's Avatar
    You are in this strangers thoughts. Look after yourself.
    Posted 7th April 2014 at 15:00 by Zimmerman Zimmerman is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thanks for your reply.
    Posted 9th April 2014 at 21:08 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline

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