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Nothing Special

Posted 1st February 2022 at 15:00 by Amara 94

I am thinking of taking a break from or heavily restricting my internet usage, already decided to reduce the amount of data I pay for my phone from next few weeks.

Every time I have tried this or No fap I have always managed a few days at best and then failed.

The internet is addicting but isn’t helping me as a person. It leaves me feeling empty.

Social media such as Instagram can hype me up, seeing people do some stuff I wish I can do helps me think of myself as someone with potential, someone who can do the stuff they do. But do I put in any work? No. And then why do I need social media to validate myself in that way? Tbh I would like to try and learn some stuff I see on social media but not just to show off if you can understand what I mean.

Over the last week as I’ve decided to go back to my old job I thought that the job doesn’t have to be as bad as I thought it was when I left it. If I’m more disciplined and organised, as in more efficient, I can still manage to fit in a few things I would like to do outside of work.

However I have two free days and I can’t really push myself to be productive. I’ve wasted those days online.

I’m anxious, lack social skills and deep friendships. Of cause I’m going to be online because it’s the easy option. If I want to be as productive as I envision I really need a lifestyle change I think. As much as I wish I was more productive, doing the things I want and having a sense of purpose I don’t feel I’m just going to aim for these things, especially if I’m too anxious to face the world.

I did my first day on Sunday at my old job and remembered the reasons I started to dislike the job. I’m staying there as it’s good money and though painful on the legs and lots of hours, it isn’t overly difficult.

I don’t have the skills or mentality to do a job I enjoy and so I need to have some plan or routine to build myself up for a job I would like.

One big difficulty of going offline apart from FOMO, is that I somehow think it would mean I would have to learn more stuff. Come to the realisation that I’m not special. It feels right to restrict internet use but the what if’s, even though they aren’t really a big deal in real life, make quitting the internet feel scary.

I feel like it’s scary to accept who I am, just the way I am, being brutally honest I feel the need to have something that validates my self worth. I don’t feel like I am enough or good enough.

Then there is family I have met online I feel the urge to stalk them but that’s it. Part of me does genuinely want to know them better but I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for them or that by getting close to them I have to accept my imperfections.

Another barrier to going offline is work. Since my job isn’t always busy it will like weird if I’m not using my smartphone in slow periods.

But I feel like I want to go offline. I feel the problem isn’t even me being online too much it’s other problems such as not feeling adequate, lacking confidence and social support. Being online helps to maintain this problem and doesn’t solve it.
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