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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Trauma and true healing

Posted 7th June 2014 at 09:25 by Star Rainbow

I have this inner tyrant, a bossy headmistress. She likes to proclaim 'stuff and nonsense' when I attempt to act from my true nature: shy, sensitive, reflective. She would have me polish my shoes, straighten my tie and 'get out there' and do more. Get on with it gal!

At times that strict voice can be very subtle, or show up as an attitude of comparing and measuring myself and my 'achievements' Finding that I fall short of the required standard. She would award a grade C- 'could do better'. Then I will take this on, tell myself that I should be 'pushing' myself or 'aiming higher' and this all comes at such a terrible cost - overextending and abandonning the true self.

This is where compulsive behaviours factor in. Overeating processed foods is a standout coping/self-soothing mechanism for the extreme anxiety generated each time I push myself too far and scramble my nervous system.

I'm trying to do things differently these days, write a new script, put new behaviours into place. First -avoid excessive stimulation, by tuning into myself and making conservative rather than risky decisions. Staying inside the line!! Second - If I do overextend, instead of eating, step back and allow my nervous system to calm down. Giving it time and a peaceful environment - non-intervention!

This has all become necessary as I sustained complex emotional trauma in 2012, and the healing is very much still in progress, my dreams remind me of this as well as my physical limitations ie ability to engage socially.

My current work is to create and strengthen a true refuge within. To study spiritual texts, to meditate, contemplate and allow the one true source to reveal to me how fully and profoundly I am loved and supported and to surrender to that love and be made whole by dwelling in it.

To replace the cruel and overbearing headmistress with a loving presence that supports me unconditionally, with kindness. Finding that attitude in myself and embodying that attitude in my relationships too.

Here comes that timeworn phrase - true healing occurs from within. And what a beautiful, sacred and merciful healing it is!

OK, that's pretty much all of my innards exposed! Thanks for reading and have a peaceful day

Wild rose in hedgerow
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