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I guess I must be a rubbish conversationalist (Warning: Negative, Pity blog)

Posted 29th May 2018 at 22:27 by Amara 94

Adding on from yesterdays blog I feel the fact that I m not able to converse casually and effortlessly with most people I know and that I have been called boring or have had it hinted at me through other peoples actons is making me feel miserable. What good is life if you can't connect with anyone?

Somebody did comment on the last blog that I don't come across as boring here but I need more than words I need to feel that I can connect with a person and we both enjoy each others company. I feel like the best thing for me to do after writing this blog is sleep. I was even thinking of taking an SAUK ban but what good would that really do? I can't get it off my mind that I am boring, can't connect with others. It's a really distracting thought. It is even distracting me from what I enjoy, trying to eat and live healthy, I am procrastinating on it. I must have a deep need to feel I belong somewhere. Yet I don't want to feel like I have to change myself to make friends.

I currently have two friends I would say. One close friend, although we chat more on Whatsapp than actually meet up. I feel I need some friends I connect with on a deeper level and meet more in real life. Then the loud open colleague.

What has intensified the feeling that I must be a rubbish conversationalist is that lately at work with the only colleague I feel accepts my company, the loud colleague (ironically), it feels like I have became a third wheel. She must be finding me boring as well. Today, the colleague I suspect is mildly autistic seemed able to have a casual convo with her at lunch as soon as he left it was like a silent table. Like, What's the point f that? I didn't know what to say. After another colleague came and the loud colleague seems to mainly speak to her if I am sitting with them, it's like I am an observer. I don't feel she dislikes me but it almost feels like I am sub-human. It feels like I am not heard. It isn't only with this colleague, it's like even people that somewhat like me don't like to listen to me speak. But then at the same time most of my colleagues are 20+ years older than me. I don't seem popular with the younger maintenance guys who are closer to my age.

This situation honestly is reoccurring, a few months ago I had a similar situation with my boss and how she isn't interested in anything I had to say. We aren't friends though. It led to me lightly cutting myself with a sowing needle, no deep scars, writing words such as "unlikeable" and "boring" on my upper arms.

The most difficult thing seems to be accepting the situation as I wrote in a blog a few months ago. But isn't that the solution. I think acceptance probably leads to vulnerability.

I feel I need to do something about this, right now it feels like the most important thing for me. But what can I do? Looking on Reddit I know volunteering is an option, also meetup. But then I also have doubts that these would help ease this problem I am facing. It's like everything I care about right now is being pushed to the side cause I want to feel I belong somewhere and have some genuine, fair human connection.

I feel online I only share my interests, the shadow of me, rather than my life. Maybe it's the same in real life.

Since this problem is reoccurring it is definitely a problem for me.
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