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Something needs to change

Posted 6th May 2019 at 20:20 by Amara 94

So I have been a Temporary Kitchen Porter in a Central London office block that I work at since about January.

Last week I decided to say that I want to go permanent, as they are apparently looking for a permanent kitchen porter. However my mind has changed and I am most likely gonna turn down the offer.

As usual, I haven't really made any friends or close acquaintances at the workplace. That isn't accurate, one office worker has been interested in speaking to me and having lunch with me though that has only happened twice.

Most times I eat alone.

As I have posted on a thread the colleague I work with isn't bad but can be overly controlling and does come across as bad or rude sometimes. Similarly, the servers, some are nice but there are two who seem rude. For example, silently refuse to serve me at lunch on a few occasions can't even pluck up the effort to say hi etc.

And then since I'm anxious I feel that certain workers from different departments see me as weird or as someone who must have a learning difficulty or something and have seemed to lose interest in wanting to know me.

In particular, there are these two ladies, they seem friendly use to say hi to me when I was new. However now only one says Hi or doesn't seem to view me negatively. What Happened? Well I noticed, the woman who doesn't say hi to me again always seemed to say hi but not really mean it. Gave me a weird face once when I was eating lunch and listening to music, she thought ~I didn't see. So I kind of decided to not be as friendly to her again or was more on guard, not wanting to say hi and stuff. So now she seems even more colder to me but tbh I don't feel guilty about it as even if I came across as weird, I wasn't trying to be a bad person so don't feel I deserve to be treated as if I am a bad person.

Furthermore, if I look back it seems that the situation of not making friends, getting weird or offended looks by others has always happened throughout my life. In my recent college course I quit there were two girls, a few more classmates, who would give me the look that I was staring at them when I legit didn't feel that I was. I also had some people I followed around but I wouldn't say I had a bond with them. Throughout college, I was seen as weird and didn't have friends. I had fake friends where if I was with one of the friend, from the friend group, they wouldn't speak to me. In fact, one of the "friend" constantly called me boring if we were alone. I was seen as weird by most classmates.

High School I think I managed to avoid the view that I was weird by being almost selectively mute. I also had friend, but from what I remember we also grew apart and in most friend groups I would tag along with my friends. I wasn't really friends with the friend group.

I feel I probably have autism or something, despite the fact that the NHS have refused to diagnose me.

I also feel like I am at the point where I am sick and tired (I probably always say this) of feeling like others see me as a bad person. Or it's my fault that I am anxious etc. No support at all. I don't want a victim mentality though. I don't feel I need everyone to like me but I do feel I need to be treated like I am equal to others and to also have a voice.

This weekend I haven't gone out literally, I always seem to get more depressed and housebound on weekends. Use the computer a lot as well. I know that that is partially my fault but it's also cause I feel anxious, disliked, looked down on and stuff. If I was happy or calm, going out wouldn't be an issue. Even going out to buy food is a challenge.

After saying that I wanted to go permanent my colleague was nice to me for a few days then back to her usual self. The head chef told me I had extra responsibilities going on full time. It also somehow seems like he wants to make my job harder, many more burnt oven trays and pots had to be washed last week, one with foil and, what looked like cling film melted on it. Certain procedures have changed and he is more critical of my work.

Why did I decide to go permanent? I want the money to move out of my home, I want to visit my cousins in Nigeria that I have never met in my 24 years, I would also like to fund hobbies, take a martial arts class or something to help me develop as a person.

But I feel this job isn't it, it may be better I stay with the agency. In fact, although I don't want to overwork. I may need to do what I want to do under temp jobs.

I feel that there needs to be more of an even ground when I interact with others. I also probably need help with how I perceive interactions, people and stuff. I am probably mentally messed up.

Now I am afraid to turn down the offer as I feel I would be letting some of the nicer chefs down. I even feel like I would be letting my colleague down and am also afraid that it might be seen as manipulative or somethings to accept a job then turn it down straight after.

But something needs to be done.
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  1. Old Comment
    Jude99's Avatar
    Hi Mutedsoul, I hear you... I am guessing there are many of us out there that share the same thoughts and feelings. I am wondering what did you end up doing...
    Posted 13th June 2019 at 20:52 by Jude99 Jude99 is offline

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