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It's time to let go

Posted 22nd October 2018 at 19:59 by Amara 94

Since I left my old job I have called my aunt every week. Tbh, I am not sure if she likes me as much as I like her. If my view of her is unhealthy and messed up.

She was telling me how she would invite me to her house, on half term to see her and her daughters. If I am being honest she has been saying the same thing since I was in my old job and we were colleagues. This week something came up and I don't think I am seeing her again.

Idk whether or not she likes me as a friend as I like her as a friend tbh. But wtf, maybe it was never gonna work out can a 54 year old and 24 year old have a friendship. Maybe she views me too much like a child to be a friend to me. But as I have said I have been calling her every week since the beginning of September and we have had 10 minute conversations. But she has never called me, never responds to any of my WhatsApp messages. Idk, but maybe it is a sign that she doesn't like me the same way I like her. I think I am going to stop calling her as I need to move on. She is a nice, sensitive but talkative person. She is nice to your face. I remember one day when we were changing the park bins, in my old job, there was an insect trapped in a bag and she didn't squish it but let it free, that's her sensitive side. However, at the same time she always use to gossip behind peoples backs with me. I admit it was fun although I did feel a tad bad for it. She was a lot of drama. There was always a person she wasn't happy with in the team, but then admittedly I feel the workplace was toxic. I wonder if she is more insecure than she put out, she was confident and expressive and told me to be more confident, not in a bad way. But there are a few instances that made me wonder if she is insecure with certain stuff and has been through times where she was vulnerable in life. I noticed every time I had my haircut done, which I did myself, she use to become more distant towards me or avoid me in the canteen for about a week. One time there was this mildly autistic colleague who did the sign that my aunt didn't listen, "through one ear, outside the other", while she was speaking to another colleague. I told her this, while we were gossiping and she got really angry but was pretending not to be and rather started speaking badly of him with other colleagues for that week. Also if I pushed my weight at work, she was usually not happy with me as it was me being a pushover, tbh sometimes it was other times it wasn't.

I am too obsessed with her though, I can speak about her forever, maybe I should stop calling her my aunt and move on with my life. Delete the whatsapp thread as well. I was just reading a Quora thread and it's true that there are 7 billion+ people in the world so I should stop putting this ex-colleague on a pedestal,meet more people although I feel I would always see her as amazing in certain ways.

I feel like a mentally ****ed up 24 year old, I need to correct my mindset. I think although anxiety and repeated misunderstandings of me being anxious have gotten me into this hole. My mindset is the main thing stopping me from meeting people at the moment. I don't feel like I am a pleasant guy to be around at the moment. In fact I wish my mindset was reset to it's original state, how I used to think and feel as a kid. I was still shy, however I was much more open minded. I accepted more stuff as I didn't judge many stuff I encountered and just saw them as they were. That said I do think I definitely had bigger fears or stronger reactions to certain things and senses. However, it seems it was more natural. For example, when I started to like girls, as a confession, I liked all races of girls. Few years after discovering the internet and going on places that were racist or casually racist, I started to notice race more and kinda started to like mostly just black girls. I need to get back into a more equal mindset. Recently I have been obsessed probably bdd about getting wrinkles, I don't have any yet, and notice other people skin texture more. I hate feeling this superficial. Tbh, I don't mind caring about my skin, but hate thinking of another persons skin more than the person when seeing them. I hate feeling judgemental, it's like it makes me serious and not able to just have fun and see good qualities in others.
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