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Fear of Rejection

Posted 24th April 2019 at 19:52 by indigo777

The fear of rejection often comes up. This is usually from the view of males as of course men are almost always expected to approach and befriend women if they dont want to end alone as most women never make the first move beyond smiling and the odd hello if you are lucky. You almost always get the advice of just go talk to women all the time and get used to it, get used to rejection! Go speak to old cashiers at the supermarket. Nothing bad can happen so what have you got to lose? etc.

Lots of things are completely ignored though. First being shy and still being able to make good conversation when you force yourself is a million miles away from debilitating shyness when even basic conversation is excruciatingly awkward. Being this shy makes women extremely uncomfortable, usually goes badly and so will actually enforce negative beliefs and that you are a freak. It also makes you feel hated in the same way as people were always picked on for being different.

Several girls at work openly hated me for being shy so the idea its all in our head is bullshit. I said I was called a zombie and mental once before. Then the girl social network also tells all their friends that you are strange, unfriendly and to avoid you so you start to get bad looks from more of them. Of course lots of men hated me as well. Its not that surprising, you are not fun, you are not entertaining, you are awful company so nobody want to have anything to do with you. So you don’t get better as people reject you even when you do try. And as time is finite you sometimes never get better and its too late. Welcome to my world! My shyness was so humiliating that I become more avoidant to stop further pain so then came across as rude and boring.

Being shy around girls was so excruciatingly embarrassing especially in a workplace with lots of young men eager to ridicule that this made me even more avoidant. I gave up totally and would openly have chosen death instead of continuous exposure to rejection which is why CBT is useless for someone like me. Only at the end of my time at work was I starting to get better and since then my redundancy has made me completely isolated again. I did like one girl who sometimes came into our office. She once worked opposite me for an hour or two and not a word was said which shows that despite my shyness even normal girls don’t speak first although my shyness probably made her deeply uncomfortable as everybody notices our behaviour all the time. I saw her a year or two after leaving work nearby and although we made eye contact she just looked away, again probably just thought I was an ignorant unfriendly weirdo.

Then of course there is the obvious fact. I WAS a boring bastard and no fun(WAS?). My home life was shit as my family were mental and made my life a misery. Once I had insomnia so bad I did not sleep in three whole days. I never went anywhere or did anything at weekends and was deeply miserable. So the idea that i approach girls at work and chat them up with witty banter was a non starter. i was emotionally crippled and too sad. I also has absolutely no idea of what I was supposed to do simply because I was attracted to a female. Date? what’s that? I did not have lessons on dating at school or any friends to get tips from. Asking a girl out was meant nothing to me. Where to go and what to do? Asking a stranger out on a date was so weird to me I might as well ask her to go deep sea fishing. I knew no places like bars or cafes and would have been so nervous as to basically been a mute. Lets not even talk about sex with my problems.

The thing is CBT tries to imply that all of this hatred is in our heads, that nobody notices our strange behaviour, that nothing bad can possibly happen(even though some incidents made me feel suicidal) and that we are bound to just burst into witty banter and get better when I have gotten much worse. I think if you have so many things wrong with you then the chances of recovery even to average levels are close to impossible. Just like Jordan Petersen said. People offer so much advice and yet its obvious that most of it if for moderate to mild shyness and if you are cripplingly shy with other problems like depression then CBT is not very effective and the medical profession are absolutely clueless. That’s why they then blame you for not trying hard enough or not being prepared to do the hard work etc.
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