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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Breakdown and breakthroughs

Posted 10th July 2014 at 09:24 by Star Rainbow

Yikes the mists are clearing. I had swung into a deep depression, almost a crisis, and a subtle one, didnt notice its creeping onset, then, suddenly consumed! In the midst of the black smog.

Wow. Yet alongside that, some deeper yearning seeking to express. More healthsome, wholesome. The tendancy towards life. Expansion, openness, connection. By life, not necessarily society, but the essence of life itself, the living breathing intelligence of the natural world.

Somehow I was able to overcome the extreme introversion, I think I leap-frogged over it? It's still there. And actually spent a night away from home, first time in over two years. Success moment? I know it is success, I just cant feel positive about it, still a bit numbed out emotionally.

I had visioned a few days camping at a familiar site on the Dorset coast, couldnt manifest that. Car-free since 2010 and dependent on the grace and generosity of others. Close friend, who understands the inner emotional landscape very well, formerly a community psychiatrict nurse. She offered to drive, drop and collect me.

Because of the recent downward spiral, she suggested I stay local, so she might be on call to fetch me. This loss of control rankled me, but I had to agree, or take the bus lol.

So sourced a site on the interwebs with great deliberation and we travelled on Monday, I figured it would be the quietest day most likely.

It was an energising and uplifting experience overall, to receive that deep nature connection and to be somewhere that wasnt home. I did struggle with being in the tent at night, the smallness of the space stirred the anxiety dragon.

The morning sunrise felt like redemption, but one night was enough, I was very uncomfortable on a 'mattress' so thin like sleeping on a crisp packet! And my boots which had served me in the high Himalaya (yes, before this current state of being I was a quite intrepid) well they let water in terribly.

I received a massive uplevelling of physical energy, from being away, from being bold? And for pursuing the desire of the heart? Striding out across the hills in the early morning, ascending a rocky gorge as the heavy rain descending, cascading as a waterfall. Did feel somewhat claustrophobic in the wooded gorge after a while, when the footpath opened out onto a grassy, flat wide space I felt the relief of that.

There was a primer to this, I had broken out of town to some limited degree, but highly significant symbolically. Followed a drovers path into the next town, seven miles, actually a city, but really... not. It was new and fresh and I was just on the leading edge of myself, no shocking quantum leaps, but as in yoga, finding the limits, and enquiring whether further movement is possible, without using force.

On this route I encountered a guide of sorts, friendly guy with dog, he walked me in via one of those treasured locals-only short cuts. Him, a recently retired soldier, who was returning to Afghanistan for commerce. (Straining hard at this point to keep politics out of it - I found his, our govts proposals, quite shocking and misguided) We share the same masters degree, in International Relations theory. Him, freshly minted, mine from the early 90s. Still, a stunning coincidence. It was an easy contact and felt OK. I took the bus home, close to my door.

Wow, I think that could have been two posts, the local walk first; then the camping trip. Hey, its exciting to think there could be/ will be? Third and fourth events. Remind myself, progress is rarely linear. To assimilate this current success and not make unrealistic plans, over reach and harm myself. Also had paid the farmer for two nights camp so am due a repeat experience any time soon. Always good to do that? Repass a new experience, repeat and ground that in reality, dwell for a bit before expanding out again.

Thanks for the visit and trust that anyone reading is having an OK day
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  1. Old Comment
    Interesting read as usual,sorry for replying so late but my mind has been wonky again for the last few days, sleep related.

    Well done on the camping trip. I've often wanted to camp outside in the summer and get up early enough to watch the sunrise,preferably near some ancient stone circle.I know we live in Britain but would still probably have nightmares about grizzly bears and wolves dragging me from my tent after watching the Discovery channel. I'd more likely get trampled by some cows.

    Good luck!
    Posted 15th July 2014 at 17:00 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Star Rainbow's Avatar
    Hi Indigo, thanks for the visit. The sunrise moment is worth the distress, well it felt to be true for me. You have a great imagination! In our wild forested past for sure there would have been wolves and bears prowling! I once had a hedgehog crawl right in, over me as I slept and rifle through my food- he laid a large poop too! Boldness!
    Posted 16th July 2014 at 08:05 by Star Rainbow Star Rainbow is offline

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