So I stayed with a friend for a few days. It felt strange going to pubs and cafes and shopping with another person.(although I never go to pubs on my own either of course!) My confidence was better, I did not feel so much paranoia like people were looking at me, i did not talk to myself like a mad person. Good God! This is what it must be like to be normal, although I keep getting told there is no such thing as normal. (yeah right!) Most people have been doing things like this their whole lives...

Well that's a miserable title! I think I'm dreadfully lonely and I dont quite have the courage to fully feel it.

I think there is merit in feeling all of one's feelings, if such feelings can be witnessed with sufficient detachment. I think I tend to get overwhelmed and carried away with stories about how my life has imploded into total failure status in recent years.

How I've missed the flow of my own creation and am banked up on the shingle, stuck, hopeless, useless....

I have not been out as much in recent times which is a pity. I feel very jumpy and on edge again which does not help. Even yesterday someone appeared to shout something at me while in a group of others and although they may have only been asking the time I pretended not to hear as they were on the other side of the canal and I had headphones on so kept walking. There are kids hanging around in gangs everywhere as it’s the start of the summer holidays which makes it worse. The one refuge over recent...

I'm very concerned about coming across as too miserable and sad. I feel sad and hopeless on most days. I feel an emptiness and a longing and a fear of my worst dreams all coming true. If you have become accustomed to unhappiness and melancholy for so long then how do you change this, does it become part of who you are?

F**k demanding 3 positives for the day. I am content if I just dont feel like killing myself for a change.

The obsession with meets on SAUK fascinates...

Yikes the mists are clearing. I had swung into a deep depression, almost a crisis, and a subtle one, didnt notice its creeping onset, then, suddenly consumed! In the midst of the black smog.

Wow. Yet alongside that, some deeper yearning seeking to express. More healthsome, wholesome. The tendancy towards life. Expansion, openness, connection. By life, not necessarily society, but the essence of life itself, the living breathing intelligence of the natural world.

Somehow...