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Contstant Craving

Posted 9th March 2014 at 14:28 by indigo777

One of the worst and most memorable aspects of SA for me was the pain at work of forever being the outsider, of never really fitting in no matter what I did. To work in a large company for years and never really feel comfortable has unavoidable effects on your mood, emotions and long term mental health. In short the SA actually defines your character and personality. You become what the SA allows you to become and this is the way you then appear to the outside world; grumpy, unfriendly, unapproachable. You are surrounded by people and yet feel totally alone.

When I occasionally felt better and tried to converse with people I may have liked or wanted to get to know better I was often shunned or ignored as I suppose they had already formed an opinion of me and found me wanting. This is of course is exactly what happens on SAUK whatever tosh some people claim to make them appear popular. This was deeply humiliating and made me even more avoidant. (Hmm, a bit like using some support forums then!) Feel the fear and do it anyway my arse! This was one of the hardest aspects of SA for me to handle as it was hard to change people’s minds once they had formed an opinion of you and disliked you. They often did not even try to hide their disdain. This of course makes a myth of that it is always your fault for not trying hard enough as human behaviour often forms groups or cliques and does not allow people in it does not like and of course you cannot start afresh as this would mean getting a new job every time which in itself is hard enough to cope with.

As a result my judgement was not always the best due to chronic loneliness and also the never ending guilt that I should be getting out there and doing stuff to get over my SA although I did not even know what SA was at the time. Thus I often formed friendships with people who were not really the best of friends in the end. It was similar to that girl in junior school who only talked with me if I had sweets and then left me alone at playtime when they were all gone.

I remember when new people started at work and within one week they were best friends with nearly everybody (except me of course!) This really did drum it home to me what a complete freak I was and shatter my confidence even more. It was even worse when the new person was female although because I was working in a warehouse there where not many of those, except the annual part time students doing summer jobs until they went back to Uni. However these girls would often be joking with the work ass holes like best friends and yet there would still be that look whenever they came near me. My shy behaviour made them awkward which in turn made my SA even worse so I avoided them even more. A never ending cycle. To stop me blushing and stuttering I often had to rush off and hide in the toilets. I even used to wait by the lift pretending to do other things as I could not get in it with people I did not know without having an SA attack, often blushing uncontrollably.

Exposure to doing the same things and seeing the same people every day for years did not cure my SA at all. I existed in a bubble that stayed the same for years, got worse and I probably came close to a mental breakdown at one point. In reality I struggled to just survive each day.

Only when being forced into an office job did I start to improve and although being in a closed environment and answering phones was scary at first, after a couple of years my SA was the least it had ever been and I was the happiest I had even been at work. I was actually getting better!This to me proves that with the right environment and the right people that total recovery from SA is certainly possible. Of course the devil being evil and malevolent saw that I was almost contented for the first time in my life and then made me redundant and my mental health has since plummeted into the depths of despair yet again. Still, it was good for a while to catch a glimpse of near normality.
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