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Laced with Madness

Posted 25th November 2014 at 20:10 by indigo777

[B][I]In these shoes every step I take is laced with madness. They fill me with pain and confusion and with thoughts that are not my own[/I][/B]
[B]Moments of Pleasure - Kate Bush[/B]

One of the biggest problems with SA I ever had was learning social skills in the first place. Thats because when people already think of you as weird or strange they avoid you and dont want to know you.You often see advice to keep going out and meeting people and just naturally assuming you gradually learn and get better. However I would often force myself to go out then act very anxious, come across poorly and so become even more avoidant in future as a result. If you keep failing you don’t learn. In fact I did not learn how to be more social at all by leaving my so called comfort zone but considered myself a socially inept freak.

I heard something on the radio this afternoon about Ed Milliband. Someone said that because he kept trying to leave his comfort zone he came across badly which harmed his image and made him look like an idiot. That actually sounds very similar to SA behaviour. I suppose any social awkwardness even if not shyness is viewed in a similar way though. Poor Ed even eats a bacon sandwich or gives money to beggars in an awkward way and what does this awkward behaviour get? It gets ridicule, which is certainly what I remember so much at work.

So how exactly do you learn social skills? They only real breakthrough I had was when working with someone who was very good at taking to others. He had a natural gift of the gab and got on with almost everybody he met. I think watching others and how they behave and handle social situations is often more valuable to many people with SA than just doing stuff and hoping you don’t make an idiot of yourself. I can certainly see how CBT works but saw a report yesterday that it helps 75% of people so still one in 4 don’t see an improvement. Do they have worse SA, a bad therapist, depression or other problems like mad family to deal with as well?

I walk into town several times a week and yet I still hate being anywhere in public. My paranoia is now often the worst of any time in my life so walking several times a week for the last 10 years has not helped condition me to accept and enjoy it. Its the same with train journeys whereas I used to be able to get 3 trains and change in between now even getting a train I have used many times before makes my stomach explode.I often feel like pushing people out of the way and want to escape to a peaceful place with no people instead. Chronic loneliness but I also hate being near people or perhaps its just strangers but thats almost everyone anyway.

There has to be more going on in the brain than simply a fear of exposure. It therefore must need other kinds of therapy or help rather than just exposure. Perhaps learning how to relax, look less aggressive, more assertive body language ,handle stress, think more positive and handle anger and past failure, etc. I have even noticed my mood change considerably from just talking allergy pills or sleeping poorly. Maybe it has to be a combination of strategies to conquer SA in some types of people. Maybe not everyone with SA is identical and can simply be called a coward for not trying enough. I certainly dont need yet more guilt from strangers on the internet when I have had enough self inflicted guilt taking me to the very edge myself.When you have felt like this for so long, in my case over 40 years it can be hard to change, to believe success is even possible any more. It’s sometimes easier to believe in God.It can't be any worse than this.
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