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Autumn Walking

Posted 20th September 2018 at 16:30 by indigo777

I quite enjoyed my walk yesterday. It may be due to autumn and lower temperatures and also less people around now the school holidays are over. Thinking about my anxiety makes me feel hopeless so I then want to kill myself. Reading about treatment for anxiety makes me feel first guilty and then hopeless so I then want to kill myself. No wonder people stay avoidant. Some people cant understand why a lone straight man is not chasing every female he sees as if like a crazed beast but I never had any urge to do this whatsoever and no urge to do therapy.

They also have no comprehension that all motivation has gone long ago. Life becomes purely about survival and ways to survive whilst minimizing pain and suffering. If the only cure for fear of humiliation is to put yourself in continuously humiliating situations and hope you get used to it then death is welcome. I do crave human contact which of course is the only reason for going online(stop being so negative then! Yes I know! Don’t be yourself at all! Lie!) but on the dark days which now outnumber the good by 10-1 even leaving the house gets harder and speaking to strangers when I am in paranoid nutcase mode will only get me disliked(or arrested!) I suppose it would be ideal to meet a small group of people who like doing the same things like walking, wildlife and photography but there are no meetup groups in my city that are applicable.

I keep going in circles with my thinking. Not giving a F**K seems to work so much better. I still quite like Jesus and some aspects of religion and spiritual thinking especially since Jesus and God visited me in my dreams.(Mad me?)They change my mood and make me feel better. I felt so much more relaxed yesterday that I could have spoken to anyone but still didn’t. No one ever speaks to me first ( lone men are all potential weirdos!) and I have no desire to approach people and accost them like a nuisance due to some moronic idea about exposure therapy where you just force yourself to speak to strangers about some trivial bollocks in a totally unnatural and forced way every day and you get normal.

Its hardly a coincidence that so many people who did CBT and liked it come across as arrogant aggressive bullies who the try to imply everyone else is just a coward. In reality they come across as brainwashed fanatics and underneath they are still one step away from their lives collapsing again.

Some bloke down the road with mental health problems who has had therapy does speaks to everyone and he is still very eccentric and I actually saw some girl wince and run away from him. For him he just ignores this and carries on regardless. For me getting the reaction of “OH NO! the creepy weirdo is trying to talk to me again!” would have me give up, go home and take lots of sleeping-tablets with alcohol.

Once again thats why exposure therapy is a load of old bollocks if you are depressed or paranoid or have anger issues as you ALREADY have to be in the mindset of brainwashed, eager obsessive and motivated to keep doing it every day.
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