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It doesn't have to be like this

Posted 14th June 2016 at 22:59 by Alone.

I have been suspecting that I may have aspergers for some time, more so presently with the work experience and a few other stuff.

I don't appear autistic to most people I think, I appear normal but very shy and worried. However I seem to attract somewhat negative responses from those around me 9/10 times unintentionally, from people thinking that I am staring at them (and no this is not all in my mind) to having people ready to confront or tease me. I also have always found it hard to respond to small talk and most jokes. I have found it hard to connect and feel comfortable with 99.9% of people basically.

I know these things seem ordinary to someone with bad SA, however I am questionable. When I look back at my experiences with people most of the time, I have no clue how to act so may be pushing the wrong buttons whilst having the best intentions. And maybe me being anxious and passive is partly a result of not knowing how to communicate well but also feeling ashamed of that fact.

It's not just the social issues that make me wonder if I have it although it is a big component to questioning if I do.

I feel that getting evaluated to see if I have aspergers is important, maybe the most important thing for me at the moment so I can see how to manage it and understand myself more.

Although this work experience has been good and eye opening I can also say that some colleagues have obviously viewed me as weird, I always get weird looks from them, happened in Debenhams as well and even other places. But then I know I ain't a bad guy, I know I am as capable as most people so feel I can't just accept weird or negative body language from others and hold myself back.

Knowing myself, I have to push myself to ask the doctor to refer me to a specialist and this time I am not taking "no" for an answer with all that I have experienced I know something needs to be done.

Once, this is sorted I can imagine myself reaching more of my potential instead of being held back by lack of social skills and feeling not good enough.
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