I am learning about myself from my colleagues

At my workplace it feels like I am learning about myself from others. As I have probably mentioned before, there is a woman who is vocally expressive, caring, seems satisfied with life and gets on with everyone, even me and the students. Probably even gets away with more stuff cause she is so liked. I feel it's mostly her character that is likable. Although she is silly sometimes, and I think is comfortable with herself, I envy her for how easily she gets on with others. I still like her as a colleague though but I wish I was able to be as open as she is. Whilst being likable she doesn't seem as much into the office politics as other colleagues.

I seem to be not easy to listen to I think. When I speak to colleagues, most times it seems they aren't interested and my manager doesn't seem to listen to me. For example today I was telling her how I should go about washing a certain bin. And she reacted by giving me the park bin key. I had to actually take her to the refuse store to show her what I was saying. This is a native English speaker btw, to show how hard to listen to my voice must be.

Another incident that upset me a bit but I didn't show, was a colleague called to eat lunch in the park with another colleague. That will never happen with me, I never seem to make friends. I also saw the manager eating with the likable colleague in the park. Nothing is bad about that but I can't imagine me being in that position. I feel unlikable and defective.

However I have also learned about myself I think from other colleagues. Recently I have been working with the newly appointed cleaning supervisor as the temp decided to stop coming to the workplace. This supervisor doesn't show much expression in her face, idk if I am the same as people, by that I mean strangers, can tell when I am upset but I imagine I am to a certain extent. All she talked about was doing the job fast. She complained about me getting too close to her and didn't seem to like when I held a door open for her as she was moving a trolley. It actually feels like she is a bit overly proud and looks down a bit on me, I'm just saying how I feel around her. She always seems to point out if someone is doing a job bad, this isn't bad but it's like she doesn't say anything positive. But I guess she is just overly honest, I remember her saying how a certain townhouse has students that went there to drink instead of learn right in that townhouse. For me she sounded a bit insensitive. Also complained of how students moved sofas from an empty, calm zone type of room to the lounge. But obviously people would want to relax in the lounge that has a TV rather than sit on the original plastic chairs. She does work fast and efficient but also seems less health conscious or self conscious than the likable colleague. It may be a front she puts out but I don't think I want to be like her. Idk, but it's like she takes really minor things too seriously.

Also the temp I worked with earlier this week seemed like he had dealt with some tough times in his life. He looked like he may have been trough homelessness, addictions or something. He seemed a bit like me as he was definitely closed in with his emotions. The receptionist called him lazy, the first time I met him, as he use to work at the dorm. He was definitely not lazy from what I saw, in fact he did more that the person I usually work with. However, he was also kind of a bad team player, he didn't want to do anything with me, didn't spend any breaks with me. It didn't feel like a team. Despite me not being the best team player, or even liking team work everytime, I guess from him and even the new cleaning supervisor I learned that team work is team work, it requires you to adapt to the other person and show interest in them. Of cause you can disagree about working a certain way, but team work shouldn't be a competition on who is the best team player, it should be just about getting the tasks done in a supportive way. This guy also said he was an insomniac hence he didn't find the 5am starts that bad. My first thoughts to that was that he must have some mental pain as a perfectly mentally healthy human being wouldn't just decide to be an insomniac.

It seems like the person I feel I want to learn from most isn't the most skilled. She did silly things, such as wear flip flops to her cleaning job today. Doesn't clean the students rooms to the best standards. However she seems the most mentally and physically healthy. It seems I should strive more towards being mentally healthy and being fit and happy with life rather than trying to be the best at something or talented at something like what I have tried to aim for in the past.

At the start of the blog I mentioned that I envied this likable woman. And tbh I did. I wished I was more like her. But now I don't. I know I can never be like her, I am just a bit too serious to be like her I think. I am also too much of a perfectionist I guess. But I can learn from her, I would love to appear satisfied and at comfort with life like she does. I would love to be able to show that I care of someone like she does. But I know naturally I would never be as casual as she is and that is alright I guess. Maybe being a happier person should start from making home a happier place?

Only thing is that no one listens to me. I think I need to improve how I speak and become more listenable by speaking clearer, louder and less monotone. Work on my body language as well. I feel I really want to but it also seems hard to imagine myself speaking more confidently cause it feels like I don't even know how to respond to jokes or small talk. I obviously need to know this if I want to communicate more effectively. Although the doctor didn't refer me and said I don't have autism. I suspect I could have it as I don't know how to respond in most interactions. I feel, or think, I can pick up, or read body language a lot but with social communication idk how to respond to small talk????