Persona, people pleasing and paradox

Have recently started a journal on a nutrition blog - nutrition is such a big piece of it - wellness. I've somehow concocted a positive persona over there; the best bits. I'm all bright and breezy over there and narrate my successes, not my wobbly moments.

Members are loving my journal and that version of myself; well it is me! I'm not fantasising. I felt to keep my emotional journey out of it, this time. Cos I've blogged previously on food/eating psychology and attracted a lot of followers with binge issues, that's natural enough. But then I end up supporting them; as a quasi-therapist, and am surrounded by binge stories and I dont know that that's a help??

Does that make me sound mean? Am I afraid of sounding mean? Less than perfect? People pleasing - gah!

Today's SA issue. There's a singing group I feel drawn to join and synchronously have met/already know many of the members and met the director and had a good deep chat with him.

This morning at 11 they meet. Well it just doesnt seem possible, you know that feeling? There's the event, the real world happening and there is the self, in the self-contained world. And the gap between the two seems too large to bridge.ITs an outrageous proposition, to be so together that I could show up all receptive and positive and calm, take part in group activity and enjoy it. Painful to acknowledge that this is where I am (Still!!)

So I can defer another week. (And another? And another?)

Yesterday took a very familiar walk and BAM! the transcendance of nature exploded at me. The colour and movement of the clouds, the shape and texture of sycamore drupes, everything so vivid and in communication with me somehow. Almost psychedelic, trippy.

Yes, that's pretty wonderful. Yet, that nature connection does not wholly sustain me. I'm struggling today with the paradox of people; of craving contact and feeling that this is impossible.

How to trust this, how to place more weight and importance on the idea of healing and recovery, and patience and progress being unseen, mysterious. When superficial conditions are so mixed?

It helps to set that down here. To lay it out in words and say 'This is how I feel today'. And to face into accepting that maybe today I dont have answers, only the question. Am I healing??

That's the best I can do today. Don't really want to use this journal for discharging negativity, I would like to bring the shiny bits here too. To be balanced and whole and authentic in all situations. Thank you for witnessing.