I feel there has been quite a few changes for me in 2018.

• I started a College course
• My sister left off to university
• I met a supportive colleague
• I did a full time job that was the highest paying job I have had

I feel I have felt a varied spectrum of emotions this year, although more tilted towards the negative side.

This week has been great as I gave myself a haircut, have been going gym so things looked positive. However, on the social aspect it has been...

Since I left my old job I have called my aunt every week. Tbh, I am not sure if she likes me as much as I like her. If my view of her is unhealthy and messed up.

She was telling me how she would invite me to her house, on half term to see her and her daughters. If I am being honest she has been saying the same thing since I was in my old job and we were colleagues. This week something came up and I don't think I am seeing her again.

Idk whether or not she likes me as...

This week I had one to one with my tutor, so no college. And I did a work trail for a job I would do two days a week from next week. Other than that most of the day has been spent at home. I did apply with a job agency in being a waiter but never got called or messaged to do any shifts this weekend. Hopefully though, when my advanced learner loan gets sorted out, and I can finally get bursary from the college and an 18+ student oyster, maybe working my part time job may be enough though I may do...

So prior to my life right now of doing an access course and trying to find decent temp work I had a permanent job as a housekeeper. My aunt at the job pushed and persuaded me to do more saying that housekeeping and kitchen portering was too low of an aim for me, a guy who was educated in Britain. And tbh, I agree it's anxiety that influenced me to aim for such jobs.

Right now I am doing an Access course in Social Science and trying to find decent part time work. My life actually feels...

I quite enjoyed my walk yesterday. It may be due to autumn and lower temperatures and also less people around now the school holidays are over. Thinking about my anxiety makes me feel hopeless so I then want to kill myself. Reading about treatment for anxiety makes me feel first guilty and then hopeless so I then want to kill myself. No wonder people stay avoidant. Some people cant understand why a lone straight man is not chasing every female he sees as if like a crazed beast but I never had any...