Well that's a miserable title! I think I'm dreadfully lonely and I dont quite have the courage to fully feel it.

I think there is merit in feeling all of one's feelings, if such feelings can be witnessed with sufficient detachment. I think I tend to get overwhelmed and carried away with stories about how my life has imploded into total failure status in recent years.

How I've missed the flow of my own creation and am banked up on the shingle, stuck, hopeless, useless....

Yikes the mists are clearing. I had swung into a deep depression, almost a crisis, and a subtle one, didnt notice its creeping onset, then, suddenly consumed! In the midst of the black smog.

Wow. Yet alongside that, some deeper yearning seeking to express. More healthsome, wholesome. The tendancy towards life. Expansion, openness, connection. By life, not necessarily society, but the essence of life itself, the living breathing intelligence of the natural world.

Somehow...

Met with a potentially new therapist yesterday. I've been in and out of talking therapy for over a decade, sometimes I'd keep the same therapist for a year, two years, its generally massively helpful and I feel I do best with an open person centred approach. This time, a GP referal, they offered me CBT, a few measly sessions, I wasnt over keen but hey-ho one is grateful and accepts what is.

In the treatment room, I had a panic attack that lasted 30 out of the 45 minutes we had together....

Sun rythms, summer solstice. This part of the world attracts a gazillion visitors at this time; pagans, druids and fae types as well as party types who just want to get mashed up .

I attempted a Buddhist friends vigil-gathering in his field, we could see that the area was a scene with all night drumming and dancing and chanting and who knows what. The local sheep had all been shepherded into a single field, for their safety I guess and they were not happy. The sheep bleating...

Emerging after another immersion in the deep labyrinth of self, at an especially potent time. Full moon on the 13th, Friday 13th, the monthly bleed, rising sun-power of solstice (increased light = increased awareness) and a grief anniversary build-up too.

Didnt leave home for three days – mostly didnt leave the bed, which became the holding womb-space. Did you ever see Tracy Emin's piece, where she staged her bed after a weekend of deep experience. Mine was a yogic version lol, spiritual...