May I be happy

I'm waiting for a juicy blog title to emerge/descend, arrive wheresover those inspired thoughts originate.

Awesome title of a book by an American yoga practitioner, Cyndi Lee: May I be happy. Man, that is a great title; part of a well known Buddhist aphorism : May I be happy, may I be whole, may I be at peace.

In metta - loving kindness meditations, this compassionate thought first seeded in the self is then extended beyond: May you be happy, may you be well etc.

Thirdly, lastly, May all beings be happy, may all beings be well etc.

Its that slightly timid and reserved subjunctive 'May I'. An almost hesitant request. I suppose it contains the necessary non-attachement ie I'd like to be happy, but I understand it might not be so.

The essence of Buddhist practice is to be detached and peacefully accepting of what is; our fluctating circumstances and conditions, whilst remaining in the intention for emotionally stability, calmness and joy.

Today, I cant stretch that far, to ask to be happy. I'd settle for something less than that. I'd settle for a freedom from the urge to escape into an addiction.

Somehow, this is more than thought, it's the cells of the body vibrating in a constant plea. For something that would harm them. Its like a low drumbeat that quickens and grows louder, insistent.

ITs tiring to witness waves of craving and even more tiring to resist as the body hormones are all crazed and out of rythm.

The addiction will settle into the system and take control, if allowed to gain a seat.

In my dreams last night a Bond-esque narrative; I am combatting assassins, they are well trained and highly efficient. I have a female support, we both have tiny lady pistols.

There are three males against us; in a small room, like a library or study. We have defeated one of the men, but two remain, and one of them seems especially large and powerful, he is 'the goose'.

Well there you have it; an entree into the workings of my mind. Starting out with the addiction is a weird one, because it's been dormant for so long - months and has flared up - hard- in recent days, I have a sense of the triggers and bien sur it's connected to my anxiety.

I think I will give myself credit for coming here, with the intention of teasing out the threads of it.

To reach a more thorough understanding and to dwell in loving kindness. But I cant get to the loving kindness part yet, the battle is still on, the cravings need to be witnessed and seen/known as illusory; and not yielded to.

What can be more powerful than such strong cravings? What is more powerful than the illusion?

Something bigger than the craving/addiction; and something bigger than the self.

Ca suffit I've gone deep and exposed my bones. I feel like a bit of an emotional diva - a bit ashamed or embarrassed that my personal drama is worthy of attention. Shame demon attack!

And yet, writing in this way, from the depths of my being and laying out my fragile truths, I've wanted to do this for so long, in a safe and authentic way.

Posting here, part of a focussed community, gives me greater exposure and contact than posting to the general blogosphere.

I suppose that the intimacy, the conversation, the dynamic of inter-action is something I wish for, to not feel alone, to feel safe to speak, to risk being real.

So if you are reading, thank you for visiting and witnessing.

Peaceful blessings.