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Friday afternoon musings with butterflies.

Posted 7th March 2014 at 21:17 by indigo777

Like many people with SA I find it very hard to live in the moment, to enjoy what is right there in front of me at the time. The anxiety makes me worry about things to come so I never live in that particularly instant and often don’t enjoy the here and now. I repeatedly have to make a conscious decision to slow down and see what is right there in front of me to stop me thinking ahead and becoming anxious. I have to monitor my behaviour and mood and try to change it at the time or I subconsciously revert to my default position of worry and SA which has plagued me for so long.

Today was a good example. The sun was out, spring has started to emerge at last and I can feel genuine warmth for the first time since last autumn so I decided to take a Friday afternoon walk to the local botanical gardens where I could take some pictures. However with such good weather there were plenty of people around and my self conscious brain started to make me uncomfortable again. Whatever people may say about its normal to go places alone, it isn't. When I have been out on numerous photography trips there are seldom loners around. Loners make other people feel uncomfortable and this is not just SA paranoia talking. Most people are in couples or groups wherever you go. People feel stronger together and weak and vulnerable alone(even without SA). At one point I had to walk away as there were too many people near to me and I felt almost trapped. It’s so hard to relax and just let it go when the SA takes over. It’s also easy to understand how such behaviour can get out of control and turn into a more serious mental condition where you never leave the house.

Only later before I left did I find it possible to start to ignore my SA demons and try to take pictures, to concentrate on the moment and enjoy the spring sunshine and gardens and relax. Sometimes last year when things were bleak I thought I may never see them again. Simple things are often the most pleasurable after pain or loss. I also saw the first butterfly of the year so I took its picture. Its has only survived the winter in order to lay eggs for the next generation and then it will die. Life's a cruel bitch sometimes, even for butterflies.

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  1. Old Comment
    Belinda's Avatar
    Beautiful picture. I often venture out on lone photography outings too so I could really empathise.
    Posted 8th March 2014 at 01:28 by Belinda Belinda is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thanks, I went on another outing today as it was sunnyish but managed to stay more under control after thinking about my mood yesterday.
    Posted 8th March 2014 at 20:31 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline

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