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Posted 23rd April 2015 at 23:08 by indigo777

It still hurts to be out sometimes. I try to block it out and not dwell on it.You see people, couples young and old. The young are in love and happy and dreaming about their future and the older ones typically have children with them. It hurts you are not one of them and never have been. The first kiss, the first date, starting a family and a new home. It never happened. You hear time and time again that you are young and these things will just happen one day. Well they didnít and I pretty much knew they wouldnít even when I was still at school. It appears that almost everyone has relationships no matter how ugly, stupid or even if they are outright nasty so little wonder then that people simply canít believe that you are still single past 40. No wonder they think such people are freaks and are open to ridicule on numerous TV programs and movies. Contrary to belief itís remarkably easy to stay single. Even working in a large company with many women I never had females trying to chat me up(what a surprise!) and as I was so shy I never managed it myself. Its not just shyness though, I never even felt worthy but thatís something else completely.

Of course having no friends I never went out to pubs or night clubs either and the old crap about meeting someone at the gym, walking the dog or in some normal everyday activity was useless as my nerves were still too extreme to approach women and make the first move as men are supposed to do and women never approached me in a friendly way ever either. In fcat many appeared to actually hate me at work simply for being quiet. Evolution? Maybe.

Again it was not just shyness, I was also clueless. They may as well of told me to explain nuclear fusion or build a car engine from scratch. Some people seem to think that any male with a penis automatically chases females once he hits puberty and it just sort of happens naturally. If you are nervous you get that old crap advice of ďJust go talk to her!Ē Not me. there was awkwardness, silence, weirdness, no jokes, girls looking at me like I was strange. Yet they talk as if its nothing more complicated than watching a wildlife documentary where every male animal wants sex all the time and knows exactly what to do and how to get it through instincts. However, even in the wild only the strongest survive and many weak animals never even get the chance to reproduce. The female animal often picks the strongest male, the best father for her offspring. Now that sounds more familiar with the human world. In human terms extreme shyness is the same as a serious weakness along with other severe mental and physical conditions and must be avoided.

At this age I often feel like mourning for the things I never had and never will have now and yet the world we live in and society just ridicules and blames you as if you failed simply for not trying hard enough as if you deserve to suffer for not doing the HARD WORK! So you stay silent and hidden. I have an ever present sadness that never goes away and often overwhelms me so it must be kept in the background at all times or my real desperation and panic emerges and then death is that much closer. All this failure due to being too shy. I wonder if my teachers at school would have realised how serious my shyness would become and how it would dominate my whole life. They probably thought I would grow out of it too. There is a memorial to my former maths teacher in the local park. I had her for all 5 years of secondary school and she was also my form teacher for 2 years. She only died 4 years ago, just 2 months after her own elderly mother. I sometimes stand and talk to her and tell her how I really felt in her lessons and how I wish I could have spoken to her. Its too late now of course as is everything. Little wonder so many people in this situation decide to end it all. Society makes you feel like a freak all the time if you dont fit in.
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