I watched The Age of Loneliness tonight which had been on the BBC a couple of weeks ago. It was very sad and had me in tears a couple of times. I hate to see that kind of desperation and sadness. Many of the people were old and alone having lost a partner after many years together. However some were not and of course mental health and social anxiety are key ingredients of loneliness. In fact I can’t really think of many conditions which keep a person lonely for the majority of their life other...

I feel far more apprehensive than usual about Christmas day this year. I don’t particularly feel like going to the cemetery again as I have done the previous two years after the death of my mother although the only alternative which is to stay in and watch even more shit TV is already starting to make me feel quite down, almost physically sick.

At least there are quite a lot of people at the cemetery and they are all sad anyway so I fit in well. Perhaps I should live there or become...

I think the weather and time of year plays a major part in my moods. After being away for a couple of weeks I return to almost unrelenting cloud and drizzle day after day. The only rare moment of any sun was Saturday afternoon(after rain all morning)when I went out for a walk. However a walk around town is hardly special or uplifting when I have done it so many times before. I was looking forward to autumn as it's my favourite time of year for photography with the colours of the trees and the deer...

Its so easy to sink into the abyss of depression and want to give up on everything. The light at the end of the tunnel gets forever smaller and harder to reach. Over the last few weeks and months(if not years!) my mood has nose dived so far its hard to imagine feeling normal or happy ever again. Maybe my brain has gone doodah. Sometimes I hardly sleep at all and then other days I sleep until midday. Motivation collapses and the point for continued existence is harder to find. I have tried to do...

I'm currently listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Despite its popularity and resulting slagging off as nothing more than elevator music I still think it's some of the greatest music ever written and touches my soul. On monday and tuesday I got up at midday. Thats the latest I have ever gotten out of bed in my life but I was beginning to feel chronically fatigued and had taken some particular tablets the nights before. I feel like I have suddenly aged 15 years in six months. I ache and am exhausted...