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Just putting up with life

Posted 8th January 2017 at 05:17 by Amara 94

This week I have did part time office cleaning work through my agency, Monday to Friday, 6am to 10am. I am set on a contract to do this until February. Also, I don't think it's a phase but I decided to take music production more seriously and build more of an understanding on mixing and synths. This made me have the opinion that I would rather a simple life and simple job, even if it's low skilled and minimum wage, over a proffessional office career as I would like to be able to devote time to learning music production.

As usual, I got contacted by two people that help run two of the work programmes I have been on asking whether or not I was at work. Neither of them saw the Office Cleaning as a proper job. Even my manager was surprised that I am not doing another job. One of the person who emailed me was my Spear coach. She shared an IT Apprenticeship job application with me. I decided to decline the application, it sounded like a good job with good money but going off my experience I felt it wasn't the right job for me currently. Even if I did the job I just know that at the moment I may be even more miserable in the job, if it was offered to me because of not knowing how to manage my anxiety and running into social issues. The other just asked when I will get a proper full time job and I was honest and said that I didn't know and talked briefly about how I found it hard to interact with others. As a result I have been offered an application onto the Princes Trust Team programme. I am interested in it, have heard good things about it however don't know if it would benefit me. It seems like a more effective programme than the others I have been in, but the other programmes haven't been effective for me. Doing it would mean quitting temp work and I don't really want to deal with the job centre so it's a gamble. I emailed the lady about how doing the programme would be a gamble even though it I would like to do it.

What I need to do really is build my confidence more than anything. I think the problem with the other programmes I have been on is that they focus on work-related and interview skills but not on the mental state of the people on the programme.

All the jobs I have had haven't been nice due to not knowing how to communicate well with others. Even for this current job and my best work experiences this has been the case. I think I am most likely going to do the Team programme, I just hope it is actually more useful than the other programmes I have been on. I know I have to help myself.

Even with this temporary job, although I am happy to stick with it rather than a full time job that I hate, I have felt that it isn't enough. I have felt tired during the week because of the schedule, I think, it doesn't fit with my natural sleeping patterns. Despite feeling alright with this job, it does feel like I have began to just put up with life, the job, rather than aiming for better. At the same time though cleaning for a big office and looking at the employees, I don't feel working in an office would be aiming for better. It's more respected but from what I see, it seems alright but also conformist in the sense that I don't know if I would find any old office work meaningful.Doing this cleaning job with another one on the side is probably doable although I wouldn't wanna do it. After this contract ends if I am still just with the agency I feel it's most likely I would go back into doing the unpleasant, exhausting kitchen porter work. I have to do something with myself, if I don't I could see my life just becoming an unpleasant hellhole. This is why I need confidence, I waked up thinking about the expanded amount of choice I would have if I was more confident. Most jobs would also be easier and probably enjoyable due to less misunderstandings and knowing how to deal with conflict. But looking at how helpless and lazy I am with most things, except the internet and music production, currently, it's hard to believe I would actually put in the effort towards working on my confidence.
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