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Lost and in a mess

Posted 24th December 2021 at 22:21 by Alone.

Whilst I don't regret quitting my former job, at least not yet as I left without another job but still have a bit of money for now; I do think I am going to face the same old problems in future jobs and most likely would end up in another low skilled job which I feel I can't enjoy. Getting by and doing the job means tolerating it at the best.

I don't feel that is a great way to live.

I am lost because I quit my former job but I know with my current skillset and severe social anxiety it's most likely my next job is probably going to be a similar job, either Kitchen Porter, warehouse job, cleaner or conferencing and banqueting (c&b). Not that these jobs are bad. I think I can even do a better job for me but then what's scary is the job feels like it requires me to be more confident than I am. The one job I think I can probably do except it seems to require so much more confidence and barber skills than I have is barbering for afro hair, would enjoy learning to style and learn other hair textures as well.

I am good at aspects of the jobs I have done such as arranging stuff and working in a consistent, methodical manner. Other aspects such as small talk in c&b, speed in kitchen portering, I am not good at. I also dislike the hours, from experience, in something like c&b.

The main issue is that I would face misunderstandings between me and some other colleagues due to my severe anxiety, not always knowing how to respond in small talk situations or how to act. From experience this would result in passive aggressive behaviours from me and the other colleagues.

I think some people would say it's something I have to deal with but why do I have to tolerate cold or noticeably different treatment from someone based on behaviour I literally don't do on purpose. I suppose to a point I have to deal with it, but in a more assertive way, as in getting over my fear of confronting passive aggressive behaviour and being more honest though that is scary for me. Everyone deals with passive aggressive behaviour and work politics, especially on a SA forum, but I'm guessing there are people who don't just passively tolerate bs and are able to navigate and confront it well, the confident workers who don't allow others to define them. It must be much easier to work once you don't allow others to manipulate you?

I think in our work culture it is seen as a good thing to work but we are encouraged to tolerate a job rather than be honest if we don't like things in the job. Sometimes being honest is seen as having a negative attitude or mindset, or being lazy and that doesn't look healthy to me. For example, in the past with an agency that liked me as I was sticking with a job started really disliking me when I was talking about some issues I had with a kitchen portering job.

I know the way forward for me is to gain more skills so I can earn more without sacrificing too many things such as health and work-life balance. I think I would also like an environment where I can see people who have a similar mindset or values to me. I probably am best in a job where I have some amount of independence. I need to practice assertiveness or at least not being afraid of expressing my opinion or values.

My last job, I think it was a good team I worked with but it was suggested I drink as I didn't know the names of the drink I served initially at the bar. My co-workers were faster than me so speed was respected and seen as something that made someone more competent at the job but then much more messier and disorganised than me.

We recently went out for a dinner, got drunk and started complaining about the company so I felt like I resonated with them there. But why spend 50-60 hours at a place you don't like. It feels safe getting money but that's not a well spent life imo.
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