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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Solstice, stimulation & finding calm

Posted 23rd June 2014 at 12:56 by Star Rainbow

Sun rythms, summer solstice. This part of the world attracts a gazillion visitors at this time; pagans, druids and fae types as well as party types who just want to get mashed up .

I attempted a Buddhist friends vigil-gathering in his field, we could see that the area was a scene with all night drumming and dancing and chanting and who knows what. The local sheep had all been shepherded into a single field, for their safety I guess and they were not happy. The sheep bleating over the top of djembe was somewhat surreal.

I felt out of place at the gathering, my anxiety is still very high, I had to go to know that. There was all kinds of processed food set out, I ate some to numb out a bit and waking up the following morn and eating clean again felt like sanity.

After the near trauma of solstice eve, solstice day itself blossomed into something unexpectedly beautiful, representative of my true joy. I had a wish fulfilled. For months as I have been walking the land I have passed through an orchard and imagined how lovely it would be to gather friends there in a relaxed way and share music.

An orchard of apple trees, managed by the National Trust ie non-commerically. The trees are old, the trunks bent into whatever form pleases them to grow, twisting boughs, plenty of shade, and surprisingly few visitors, the tourists are here for the big hitting attractions.

I was quite tired from the stress of the evening and having eaten some junk, but I also felt I needed to participate in an open and active way in solstice, which carries double meaning for me as it is a still very recent grief anniversary, the day is loaded with meaning. I decided it ultimately comes down to the maximal availability of light and one's ability to connect to that light, to hold to it and to harness the light for transformation, strength and forgiveness.

So I texted a few close and cherished friends and we gathered in the orchard with guitars and drums and voices and sang sacred songs from world traditions for 2-3 hours, while the sheep bleated in the next field and all kinds of revelry was taking place nearby.

It was a day to remind me of the benefit of holding everything with the lightest possible touch. My grief, my tiredness, and also letting the day unfold in a more effortless way. Because of spontaneity and lack of planning, I improvised snacks: ready made trail mix carried in a stainless steel tiffin from India. Friends emptied their pockets and we found we had a feast: sesame seed crackers, organic apricots and peaches too. Spring water, it was plenty.

We had such fun and thought we should take a picnic to the seaside. All of us are car-free but together a bus or train ride could seem adventurous rather than tedious. We fantasised a feast to take with us, sea vegetable 'pasta', salad from the garden, a pile of fruit etc, my friends are health-nuts too I dont know whether that kind of activity is possible for me right now - a whole day away from town, public transport, going somewhere that is not here.... But the imagining felt good, I'll take that.

After all that, my nervous system was very excited and I needed to calm down in a way that was not reaching into processed food, which would have felt like some kind of betrayal of the positivity of the day. I realise that there needs to be a new set of coping behaviours and rituals. A new, health promoting response that becomes default.

So I cycled out to the supermarket, which in itself is calming. Instead of filling a basket with that which cannot be named I spent the monetary equivalent on fresh fruit. I think that on some level, I find fruit expensive and tend to limit myself. And part of the b*nge mentality for me, is the idea of splurge, letting go, having some huge and unlimited quantity of something. So piling in fresh cherries, strawberries, a melon, bananas, satisfied that part of the brain.

Of course I didnt scoff all that once home. I felt pleased and relieved and also, excited by the novelty of this way of behaving.

The highly elevated anxious states I am experiencing, they need a lot of time, caring attention and long term support to understand and release. But the consequences of the anxiety: the need to 'come down', to transition to calmness after stimulation, it seems necessary to have something in place for that now.

I feel I am moving deeper through layers of understanding. I feel that fruit is a very helpful tool. The colours and the captured sunlight, the fact of fruit being freely given, eaten mostly with our hands in a direct way, being water rich, fleshy and sensual, high vibrational (there, I've said it), the fact of it being high summer now and fruit coming into season, that all makes sense to me and hopefully to the body and the emotional body too.

I'm not eating loads of it, but I find it comforting to have at home, a buffer to fall into when the going gets tough.

Peace and calmness, I'm headed back to the orchard later again today. More love and more true power.

Thank you for your visit.
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