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well another day over with. not been good feeling really tired, constantly fighting to keep going, just want to sleep, or hide. little energy and running on empty! oh crap just another day.
works geting really difficult trying to find a job in another department but feeling i have been overlooked. the job i am currently has really come to an end and the work has moved to another office, really can't afford not to be working but there seems little hope that another role will be found. moving onto another office is really quite scary and daunting, new people new manager, and a whole new work area! how will i cope? if at all. coping mechanism in place, not sure, and really trying not to focus on the what maybe's. but what if a job can't be found? can't go through filling out application forms and attending interviews! My god that's a scary thought. SA is the pits i know i can do it but i'm so scared, scared even of my own shadow. people don't get it don'r get me, even the people i thought were my friends, but no time to leave them behind it's too much effort trying to get them to understand. but hey why should I do they really care i think not. anyway it's good to have somewhere i can to let it all out. so if your rreading this thank you for taking the time it means a lot to very lonely man.
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Mirror image!!

Posted 22nd April 2013 at 19:22 by Reptillian

I have been down this road before, scared to turn around, scared to speak or even look at the person next to me! I can't wait for the day to be over so i can go to bed but then can't wait for the night to be over so the ramblings in my head will stop, and just check that i'm still alive, but then also thinking i don't want to be. forever spinning round and round, when will it ever stop.

bending over the sink cleaning my teeth and looking in the mirror only to see my evil twin staring back and giving me grief yet again, reminding me of just how useless and pathetic i am.

people don't understand i've been told to stop living in the past it's not in the past i'm living but it's also not the present not even sure it's in the same universe as everyone's great at 12-13 to be told just after your nan dies to be told the family didn't want you, and that your father was a dirty ole man. hey mom that makes you a whore! as a small boy i was not allowed to play with my cousins in the garden had to sit on the sofa and watch. why am i so unworthy??? i want to be the person i see in the mirror confident and some what arrogant, but no matter how i try i just can't, others will always come first... even those that hurt me, cos there the ones i feel sorry for, just wish they could understand. but then i'm invisible!!!!
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