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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Too much of a good thing

Posted 1st June 2014 at 08:31 by Star Rainbow

I dont know how or why but life these days, well... I would prefer to be gently paddling down that merry stream, carefree and languid in dappled sunlight, dangling one hand in the calm, cool waters.

In reality, I am clutching at the mane of a wild stallion who is tearing through the forest, I am bouncing around on its back, barely seated, holding on for dear life etc

Ultra busy with an unstoppable chain of events, people and places, too much of everything. Maybe its because we are approaching the high peak of summer at solstice.

I can no longer take my quiet walks, friends are walking dogs or with families, and require chatting and hugs and my brain starts to hurt and my head spins. Then I head to the community gardens and, OK there's a clue in the title, but too many people, asking me questions. People I like, but still... There is not enough space in my life, I think that's the essence.

A fairweather walking friend came out with me Sat eve, well, the weather was fair. So what is habitually a quiet conclusion to the day becomes a stimulating mind-fest; she is a psychotherapist, and I can do that stuff too and so we pick and probe and yabber on....

OK, that was basically a rant, I am grateful for the space and apologise at how tedious that is to read. Sorry folks.

Sleep is disrupted, the instant symptom and proof of over-stimulation. I have to withdraw, retreat, cull commitments. Extreme self-care. Maybe I'll write in thick red ink in my diary, KEEP SPACE FREE FOR YOURSELF. Maybe I'll pre-plan. I'll schedule in my swims, my walks, the other things I prefer to do. Maybe then I'll allocate a couple of floating free spots for socialising, and let people work their arrangements around mine.

Keeping timings regular for meals and rest times really helps me stay sane and steady. Structure = security.

Maybe I'll keep a note by the phone for when I receive an invite, to create a new response, my default is to say 'yes', even when I mean 'no' or 'not sure'. And then either go and wreck myself, or univite myself which is stressful and timeconsuming. The note reads, 'Thank you for asking me, I might like to do that, would it be OK to let you know later today?' ie give myself time to reflect, respond rather than react.

The other strategy I know could work and have not yet managed, is to set my phone alarm to sound after a pre-determined sensible amount of time away from home. Maybe this would prevent me from overextending and turning a positive event into an energy drain.

Fundamentally, the need to be more boundaried, structured and cautious. Kind of goes against the energy of this early phase of summer, it's ever expansive outward and lengthening movement.

But I'm clearly not able to handle that right now, even though what I'm involved with is frankly, wonderful.

Here's a pic from the gardens yesterday. There you see the paradox, too much of a good thing can be beautiful and exhausting.

Thank you for reading
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